The fact that I am mildly dyslexic and can’t do basic arithmetic would in no way interfere with my ability to become an accountant. In fact, in these days of entitlement it will be an asset. I have a disability and I therefore have a right to have a degree. The fact that I don’t know the answer to 7 times 8 has nothing to do with it and don’t you oppress me.
So me and my wonky brain schlepped off to uni with all the eighteen year olds. I was very good and I didn’t hate them for their stupid hair and idiotic shoes, or the constant yapping and tapping about MEEEEE on their phones and laptops. Even the hormones and stale beer oozing out of every pore when I had to share a classroom with them didn’t make me too mad.
However, I did get a little peeved when I was told that I HAD to do the compulsory marketing unit (even if I am old and have a disability) because marketing is VERY IMPORTANT and all well rounded graduates need to understand the complex theories involved in marketing bollocks.
When I was told that to pass marketing I had to complete a group assignment and was allocated a bunch of spotty grotty first years twats still wearing their Old School ties, I got angry.
Then, I started reading the spotty grotty twats contributions to the group assignment and went into a screaming incoherent rage.
Group assignment meeting at Gloria Jeans (where else?) and I started channelling my Year 10 English teacher (truly terrifying woman, over 6 foot tall who used to stalk the halls in a full academic gown slaying the students caught graffitiing with double negatives).
Roaring at the top of my voice:
“U is a LETTER, the word ‘you’ has three letters, YOU need to include all of them in anything other than a text message.
An apostrophe indicates possession or a contraction, NOT A PLURAL.
Quote marks are for quotes not for nouns!
Their means something belonging to them, there is over there where you should be smacking your head against a wall for offences against the English language! They’re and you’re are contractions, which you are getting WRONG WRONG WRONG!!
A sentence should not go on for three pages.
Commas will not hurt you!
Learn about adverbs!
If you are trying to make a point, work out what your point is before you write it down, don't write three pages of drivel without punctuation and try to get your point across by writing “you know” every ten words!
You imply something to someone else, they infer something from your words!
Myself is a reflexive pronoun, it is not an all-purpose intensive form of me or I!
Zero is a number! O is a letter. They are NOT interchangeable!”
(pause to draw breath)
“When you’ve finished writing something READ IT AGAIN TO MAKE SURE IT IS CORRECT AND MAKES SENSE!
Filling a page with words is not writing!
When you start a new sentence you need to start with a capital letter!
I is the first-person, singular personal pronoun and it is a capital letter!
If you can’t spell you can at the very least use a spell checker!
Too means too bloody much, to is either a preposition or part of an infinitive. If you don't know what they are LOOK IT UP!
You do NOT appear more knowledgeable by using long words incorrectly! If something can be explained in 5 words only use 5 words, NOT 50!”
(pause for another breath)
“Now, take this shit back (hurl sheaf of paper across the room) and go hunt down the morons who purported to teach you English for the last 15 years and BEAT them for failing you and the rest of the world so badly.”
Thus ended my group assignment for marketing. The individual assignment I completed got a bare pass - apparently I hadn't grasped the full complexity of marketing theory.
!joomlacomment 4.0 Copyright (C) 2009 Compojoom.com . All rights reserved."
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
