kingstribune.com

Milan Kundera said, in the Unbearable Lightness of Being, that people who walk fast are trying to run away from them selves, but quite frankly I don't care. As I charge through the streets of Melbourne on my way to work, I prefer to just plough through and get there, dressed in my extremely professional-looking suit with that placid and determined look on my face that city professionals are entitled to wear.

As I stride purposefully toward my place of gainful employment, I marvel at the variety of tactics deployed in getting from A to B on foot. On the train or in the car there is little room for creativity, but on the street, in crowded places, there are no rules and you must fight for your space.

The politics of the walking man first needs to look at a few different types of walkers.

The wobbler is a very common and a very annoying walker. This is the person who, when walking in front of you in the same direction, will veer a little to the right, giving you space to walk past on the left, and as you gain momentum to pass will start veering to the left, closing the gap before you manage to pass.

The best way to deal with the wobbler is to maneuver as far to one side as you can and then attack by walking hard into the space between him and the limiting boundary on the other side. This will give the wobbler a clear indication that you are moving into his space and most of the time he will not protest.

Occasionally you will just have to put the wobbler into the wall or oncoming traffic.

The arrogant walker is not very common, but he can put you in a bad mood when encountered. The arrogant walker will walk his way without deferring to anything or anyone. He feels entitled to the space where he’s walking, and will just take it. A successful overtake of an arrogant walker can be very satisfying and may even make your day.

Proceed with caution though and keep in mind that such an attack will make you more arrogant than he is. You may not want to be that person, even for the warm inner glow of victory.

The fat walker can be very annoying. Individuals who occupy more than their fair share of space, where space is at a premium, are just cheating the rest of us. Fat walkers often walk slower than other people and can block whole laneways where normally it would take two standard walkers to block you. The most annoying thing about fat walkers is that no overtaking strategy has yet been developed. You just have to wait for them to give you the opportunity to pass, which often they won't give you because they can't see you, can't control their bodies properly or just are too lazy to care.

The slow walker seems to hold the view that the journey, not the destination, is the point, so walking at a brisk pace is unnecessary. The slow walker generally has hands clasped behind his back and is wearing a very ugly jumper. While this is quite appropriate on the hippy trail, it doesn’t really work at 8am on Collins St. The slow walker gets really annoying when he chooses to walk in the middle of the street, forcing all the rest of us to somnambulate along with him.

So far I’ve only dealt with the politics of overtaking other annoying pedestrians, but far more important are those unthinking bastards walking the other way.

Melbourne doesn’t have the population density or mindset of London, but a tactic I learnt there is quite effective. Simply pretend you don’t see the people coming toward you. Avoiding eye contact, focus on a point somewhere in the middle distance, just above their shoulder height, and charge through. If they don’t get out of the way, well you’re moving too fast to have to worry.

< Prev		Next >