Column. Hourglass, Apple. Pear. These, according to the people at Kayser, are the shapes women come in. Okay, it’s fairly obvious what each one is, except maybe the apple, but what the hell are they talking about?

The Kayser “Whatever Shape You Are” campaign has me at somewhat of a loss, and my temporary lack of reasoning ability is not (I swear) because I am distracted by the omnipresent posters of beautiful (I assume they’re beautiful, because their faces aren’t visible) women in lacy undies. My confusion comes from the juxtaposition of the words against the pictures. I want you to think about this the next time you see one: “Whatever Shape You Are”.

Read those words, think about their meaning, then look again at the pictures. “Whatever shape you are” implies that Kayser acknowledge that women come in all shapes and sizes, which means, by extension, that not many women look like models. Therefore, any woman can go to a Kayser stockist and pick up a pair of undies that will both fit her and flatter her, be she a size two nineteen year old, or a size, um, larger than that forty year old. Nice sentiment, good product, good campaign angle.

Till you look at the pictures. Are any of the four women in these photos older than twenty-two? Is the pear-shaped one actually pear-shaped? Is it even remotely possible that they haven’t been photoshopped (look at their skin, it’s so flawless you might as well be looking at CGI)? And as for “Whatever shape you are”, give me a small fucking break, will you? What points of difference are there between these four women?

The only one that appears to have any shape at all is the allegedly “pear-shaped” one, and that’s because she’s shot from behind – unlike the other three, she appears to actually have a behind. Mind you, it’s a very firm and well-shaped behind, and it’s pretty obvious that her hip measurement is somewhere between 32 and 34. Everyone I’ve looked at these ads with, male and female, have viewed them with incredulity: “That’s pear-shaped?”

The words are smart, they’re appealing to every woman out there who wants to buy nice lacy undies. But the photos are saying “the ideal woman is nineteen years old, her body is completely hairless and shiny, and she weighs less than fifty kilos.”

That’s fucked. It’s just not true, and it’s fucked.

This campaign is an insult to all our intelligence, and that’s their biggest mistake: the blatant lie inherent in the posters is putting their customers off.

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