Wearing cream coloured pants can be dangerous, not just a you-might-end-up-looking-like-a-very-large-biscuit kind of dangerous, I’m talking about a you-can-never-ever-go-anywhere-where-there-are-humans-ever-again kind of dangerous.

However, if you decide to defy the risk and wear cream coloured pants on your day off and you decide to start your day with a nice latte, you should always, always, AWLAYS check the seats at the café before you sit down. Otherwise you might fail to notice the not quite solidified coffee some evil bastard carefully spread over on the chair just before you got there.

You might sit for a while on what you think is just a very cold metal chair. Then you might finish you coffee and saunter off to do some shopping. You might even be feeling a little bit good about yourself and your life at this point. And why wouldn’t you? You’re not at work, you’re not caffeine deprived. You’re about to buy ALL the things, what’s not to feel good about?

Unsightly brown stains on your bottom, that’s what.

Brown stains on your bottom, especially when you are wearing cream coloured pants, can be completely misinterpreted by the uninformed – and you wouldn’t believe how many uninformed pillocks there are in St Kilda, with nothing better to do than stare at suspicious brown stains on other people’s bottoms and make prurient assumptions about them.

Depending on your paranoia levels and whether or not you are wearing your glasses, it could take a couple of hours of people pointing your bottom out to their friends and laughing like deranged hyenas before you think to yourself that perhaps you should pop into a public toilet and check that everything is ok.

After you’ve discovered the brown dribbly stains on your cream coloured pants and spent at least half an hour sobbing in a locked cubicle, you could take your pants off and attempt to wash them in the sink. While you are doing this every single schoolgirl in Melbourne will crowd into the toilet and fall to the ground howling with laughter as you stand there in your old grey undies, clutching your stained pants and wanting to die.

When you have washed most (but not all) of the dribbly brown stains from your cream coloured pants and the pants are all nicely wet you can squish yourself back into them, walk the 2½ kms back to your car and go home. Then you can set fire to the cream coloured pants, go back to bed and vow never ever ever to go out of the house again.

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