The 21st Century has seen and will continue to see business-model changes on a truly Galactic scale. Old ways of doing things will disappear before you can say “iSnack 2.0!!” new models will appear and entire new industries will spring into life from nothing, like Daryl Somers in reverse.

One example of this exciting New Business Paradigm that’s leapt into existence, courtesy of a New Media cross-over with aligned stakeholder tardery, is Teaching Sportspeople How Not To Be Idiots. In the old days, a young man recruited to play in the big leagues would be issued with his guernsey, a free pass to the local beer-barn/meat market, and a deduction would be made from his first payslip for an SS Commodore.

As a 21st Century sportsman, however, he has a responsibility to the club, to himself, and to the brand, to Not Be certain things. So he gets lectures. Don’t be racist, don’t be a r_pist, don’t drink too much, don’t talk to the media without prep from the press office, don’t do drugs, don’t be violent. This has come about, as you are all aware, after decades of gropings, group-s_x/pack-r_pe, comedic urinations and busted noses. Every time a player screws up, his league will appoint a new Ambassador for Showing Respect To Women And Golden Retrievers, to show us all that football players aren’t really just dumb kids with too much money and over-active Y chromosomes.

So with the St Kilda #dickileaks scandal playing out like a Twink- P_rn strobe across our computer screens, yet another business opportunity presents itself for motivational lecturers and sports psychologists across the nation. It’s not enough any more for these young Adonises to merely become New Age Female-and Golden-Retriever- Respecting-TeeTotalling-Pacifists. They need to be taught how Not To Wave Their Doodles Around.

I would’ve thought it was pretty simple: Okay, Braden/Jaden/Cayden, here’s three quarters of a million bucks a year, and a lot of fame, and a lot of chicks, sorry, young women, who want to get into your pants, sorry, who would like to form long-term relationships with you, built on mutual respect and abiding love. There’s just one basic rule you need to stick to: don’t let people take photos of your penis, okay? Do you think you can do that, or are we going to need some remedial Keeping-Peenie-Off-Facebook training? Right, I’ll just make a booking for you.

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