Dear Mr Kennett,

You can always be relied on to have something inflammatory yet vaguely sensible about football, politics, or the weather. Having ruled the state with an iron fist wrapped in an iron glove for so many years, and involved yourself in the odd federal fracas (One can’t help but love you for that recorded phone conversation with Andrew Peacock back in the eighties).

Your advice or opinions are always if not completely sensible, at least poignant. Your opinion is worth seeking. Until today, when speaking with Neil Mitchell, you offered advice to the listeners that “if you’re stupid enough to drink and drive, carry a packet of Kool Mints in the car”, on the basis that these lollies (apparently these days they’re very hard to get) will somehow magically reduce your Blood Alcohol Content (BAC).

(There was a rumour several years ago that urinal cakes had the same effect, which made for a lot of hysterical laughter at police stations when drivers asked to go to the toilet before blowing into the instrument and were caught chewing on the tasty treats they’d scooped out of the piss-trough. There is a rumour within a rumour, that it was police who started the rumour in the first place, which is a very serious allegation and totally untrue, police would never play that sort of joke on drunk people.)

I got very annoyed when I heard you say this and, to his credit, so did Neil Mitchell. So did a spokesperson for Victoria Police who was unable, unfortunately, to announce that a warrant for your arrest had been issued under the Dickhead Act, because I’m not Premier yet and there’s no such thing as a Dickhead Act.

Four simple points, Jeff:

ONE: It’s absolute bollocks. The only thing that reduces your BAC is your liver.

TWO: It’s embarrassing for someone of your stature to spout such absolute bollocks with such apparent confidence.

THREE: It’s fucking irresponsible of someone in your position to encourage people to drink and drive by letting them think that there’s a way to beat the Dragar Alcotest 7110 Breath Analysis Instrument. Because there isn’t.

FOUR: I’d just like to remind you of the Road Toll. 260 people have died on Victorian roads this year. Several thousand have suffered serious injuries, many of them permanent and debilitating.

Of those killed, twenty five to thirty percent recorded a BAC of .05 or over. Alcohol is a causal factor in an even higher percentage of all serious injury and/or fatal collisions.

At risk of spouting a cliche Mr Kennett, you’re a Bloody Idiot.

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