I was sitting at a table last night with a group of left wing leftist leftys, and had to fess up to one of them that I am, in fact, a monarchist.

He drew his skirts aside in horror and may have briefly considering stabbing me with his fork, but I think in the end, he just decided that I was pulling his leg and started talking to someone who could make actually funny jokes.

It’s true though, I am a monarchist; in the sense that I do not think we should overthrow the queen and install an Australian presidency, not in any way where I am particularly interested in who they marry or what they say to each other on the telephone.

Truthfully, I don’t understand exactly what Republicans are getting all twisty-knickered about. All that shrill piping about needing an Australian head of state is quite odd, because we have one. Quentin Bryce is Australian, even Wikipedia says so. In fact not only is she Australian, she’s a Queenslander, and you can’t get any more Australian than that.

Quentin doesn’t actually do anything that has any great significance to anyone, but she does it all with a delightfully atypical Australian grace and dignity. Perfect. Why would we want to mess with that by putting an Eddie Maguire type in her place?

The other argument in favour of a republic is equally baffling. Apparently we need a democratically elected head of state. Why? Or, to put it more accurately, what the fuck do we need that for? The last thing politics needs is more politics. And to any remaining fools who believe that democracy is inherently good or infallible I give you George Bush and Steve Fielding. Q.E.D.

If we allow our head of state to do anything more than cut ribbons and hand out awards, the only thing we achieve is to add an extra layer of bureaucracy to a government already so stacked it’s like Dolly Parton in nine inch heels. A titular head of state, who is appointed by another person not in need of election wins or opinion polls, is a far better option than yet another political goblin capering about on the eve of an election, screeching for attention and trying to come up with ways to appear that they will Do Something about whatever Un-Australian activity is currently Threatening Our Way of Life.

If the Republicans come up with a model that does not require elections, or politicians to get involved, and can incorporate decision-makers so utterly removed from Australian politics that she’d be hard-put to recognise an Australian politician if he put his hand on her arse, then yes, fine, I’ll go along with it. But while there is any chance that we end up with some Eddie Maguire clone prancing around the world stage claiming to represent the country I occasionally remember that I live in, then no, give me the Windsors, with their receding hairlines, complicated personal lives and complete absence from Australian politics any day. And better than that, give me Quentin Bryce, give me her gravitas, her dignity, her outfits, her brains and her complete inability to win any kind of popular election.

Anyone who believes democracy can give us a better head of state than her should take a good long hard look at Barnaby Joyce, and then they should shut up.

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