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Farch 2010
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Tour De France. Grand Prix. World Cup. World Cup Bid. St Kilda. Demetriou. Collingwood. There’re my yells for this year. Any suggestions for alternative, or even alternate, yells, will be appreciated. * * * * *
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Retrospective Issue - Dec 2009
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Well there I was at the end of the football season bemoaning the fact that there was no sport for me to yell about. A half-dead West Indies is on the way for a moribund cricket season, the Spring Carnival turned out to be, yet again, all about orange schlappers and C-list celebrities and the occasional sighting of Bart Cummings, what was I to do?
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Village Idiot Issue - October 2009
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An apology: If you were driving around Elwood/St Kilda about 5.30pm on Grand Final day, and a dude in a long black leather jacket and Saints scarf was standing in the middle of the road with tears in his eyes begging you to run him over, I’m sorry. That was me. Full of beer and pain and heartache, images of Lenny and Roo and BJ swirling through my head, a lost, tortured soul, replaying the missed kicks and spoiled spoils, feeling the agony of the What If’s, and I wasn’t even at the ground, let alone on it, and that just made me feel worse.
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Children's Issue August 2009
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Well it’s late, but I never said I was the Herald Sun Sports Desk, did I? Things are going to happen in the world of sport, important things, local things, and from time to time I’m going to forget to write about them.
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Drinking Issue - June 2009
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Well, the match review committee and I are feeling more than a little bit dusty after the Tribune’s first birthday party last night. Yep, that’s right, you’ve all been laughing yourselves silly in a learning and constructive fashion for ONE WHOLE YEAR!!!! What have we learnt over the past twelve months of my sports rants, folks?
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Pet Issue - April 2009
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It was put to me recently that I don’t like Brisbane. Now, the suggestion is not entirely without merit, however, an assertion such as this has to be based upon some evidence. For example, when I was eighteen I fell for a girl and followed her to Brisbane and she turned out to be really annoying and not interested in me at all but I was so in love with her I shagged her best friend the night before I came home and Brisbane is just one of those horrible memories I’ve put away with the bottle-green corduroy pants and shiny black school shoes that Mum used to make me wear on weekends.
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Body Issue - February 2009
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A brand new year is upon us, and with it a whole twelve months of shhhport from around the world. Well, mostly from inside my head, truth be known. So what awaits us in 2009? Well, for a start, as far as I know, there are no World Cups of any kind, and, saints be praised, no stinking Olympics! Apparently the last cricket World Cup is still going, but my sources are the West Indian police, so I can’t confirm it with any more certainty than whether the Pakistan coach suicided, had a heart attack, or was carried away by killer bees. Click here to carbon-date that last joke.
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Retrospective Issue - December 2008
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Oh Rugby League, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. No wait! Counting, you won't follow that. I'll just write them down. Oh, hang on, written word, same problem. Bugger it, I'll press on anyway.
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Gender Issue- Oct 2008
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I don’t care who you are and what you barrack for, if you weren’t standing up, hand on heart, fighting back the tears when Harvs was chaired off the ‘G as a victorious Hawthorn formed a guard of honour, you ain’t human. Or you’re my wife. And there’s only one of them, so you ain’t human. He’s 37 years old, people, and he’s run further and harder than any whining little taxpayer-funded, fat-arsed, so-called Olympian. Many of his team mates and opponents weren’t even born, or were still in nappies, when he first pulled on a Saints guernsey. He’s played in some of the worst teams to ever shame a footy ground, and he kept his heart and his work ethic.
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First Issue - May 2008
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Hmm, Melbourne, April, cold, um, sport… Yup, AFL. So we’re eight rounds in as I write this, and every howler monkey with a sports column or 5 minutes on 3AW is making predictions. I don’t yet have a spot on radio, but, well, looky here! I’ve got a sports column, I’m kinda furry, and I have been known to fling pooh at people! Here goes “Is Gary Ablett Jr already better than his dad ever was previously at the same age before?” will be a keyboard shortcut for half the sports writers at the Sun. Geelong will not lose a game this season, indeed, they will not win by less than ten goals over the next six months, and everyone else should just wait for September to see the Cats humiliate the second place-getter.
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February 2010
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For a couple of issues last year I burbled on and on about the Tour De France; it was hard not to, given that I was sitting up til 3am every single night for three weeks watching it. I was watching cycling, I was riding most days, I was reading about cycling, it was a magnificent obsession, and I ended up having to apologise again and promise not to bang on too much. I behaved myself for the rest of the year, and went back to bagging Demetriou and crying about St Kilda, and putting shit on Brendan Fevola. So, for what’s about to come, I apologise, and I promise that it will be just these few paragraphs, just this issue, then we will resume regular transmission.
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Media Issue - Nov 2009
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I’ve no interest in Melbourne Football Club, other than as the brunt of standard jokes; you know the ones about Range Rovers, thermoses, tartan rugs and missing most games because the ski-fields beckon. Apparently their supporters are all people for whom the seasons are verbs (as in “where will you Summer this year?”).
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Money Issue - September 2009
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I like cards. I like playing cards, I like my credit card, I like handing out other peoples’ business cards to drunks. Cards are fun. Then, this morning, I looked at the score card for the fifth test. Crikey, what a mess. From the standard “Sharing the honours after Day One” (whatever the frak that means), we’ve gone to “backs against the wall after Broad strikes”.
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Bring Back Jeff Issue - July 2009
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Despite the way I’m feeling, I think I’ll start on a happy note: by the time you read this, Le Tour will be underway, and I’ll be wandering around during the day with my eyes hanging out of my head, having sat up til 3 every morning. Hopefully my headache cluster will have finished by then, and I’ll be able to hear Phil Liggett over my whimpering.
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Digital Age Issue - May 2009
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Well Jeff Kennett’s done what everyone expected him to do, and delivered an almighty middle finger to the AFL. Much as I dislike the man, the only thing I can say is “Go, Jeff, give ‘em another one.” Yet another victim of the AFL’s Stalinist information and freedom of speech policies, Jeff found himself faced with the prospect of spending three hours at Umpire camp, or forking out 5 big ones as penance for speaking a few facts. Now, speaking of facts, as opposed to the serial misquoting and hysteria that passes for journalism in both our dailies, I need to point out a few (facts, that is) regarding what Jeff’s letter actually said, as opposed to how the AFL and most journalists interpreted it.
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Education Issue - March 2009
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Strange things are happening at AFL headquarters. Things that would be terrifying if their results weren’t so predictable. In a blatant snub to the Christian Right, Demetriou (one) has embarked upon advanced cloning/mind-meld technology, ensuring that all his underlings speak the same incomprehensible corporate mush, with the same gimlet-eyed conviction that he uses to strike fear into the hearts of football fans around the country.
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Retrospective Issue - December 2008
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We-he-he-hellll… what a year it’s been folks… we had the Olympics, with only a little bit of cheating, the best Tour de France in years, which unfortunately had a lot of cheating, Ben Cousins has done his time, Lance Armstrong’s out of retirement, Harvs has entered it (sniff)… So it’s time to present a few awards for the most outstanding sporting and sport-related performances of the year. The Bradman/Boycott “Team? What bloody team??” Giant Make-Up Mirror for outstanding selfishness.
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Entertainment Issue - Nov 2008
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I have to admit that I’m not as knowledgeable about horse racing as I once was, dear readers. Yes, many years ago when my disposable income was just that, I used to make the bookies tremble. Well, a couple of the lower-rent country bookies, anyway.
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Religion Issue - June 2008
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One of the joys of having this column is that my lovely co-editor knows nothing and cares less when it comes to sport. So not only do I have a column, I have freedom! Because we all know that having one’s name at the top of a magazine column automatically makes one a genius whose opinions count.
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Psychology Issue- Sept 2008
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“Hey Juzzy, what’s the barrel for?” “Fishin’.” “And the shotgun?” “Fishin’.” Welcome to my wrap up of the Olympics, folks, and please bear with me if this rant is even more incoherent than usual, because I honestly don’t know where to start.
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