NOTStephenConroy on the Soapbox:

Merry Christmas to all of you, especially the children, the computer-illiterate, and the Religious Right. I hope you all enjoy the giant present I’ve left you, in the form of my wonderful, absolutely perfect, won’t-cost-a-thing, does-everything-without-slowing-down-the-internets-at-ALL, Protect-The-Children web filter!

I don’t seem to be getting the plaudits I deserve, though, and I think that’s just because I’ve been trying so hard to be reasonable and listen to everyone’s opinion and make them all feel important (except of course for all those silly ISPs and all those deluded people out there who actually use computers and say that child porn has never just jumped out of their computer screen and wriggled around in their lap while they were emailing Aunty Doris).

It’s true, a little friend of mine in the Senate told me all about how the internet works, and he heard it from someone who had a lot of graphs (he’s not allowed to watch TV because Satan lives in it – but not to worry, that’s my next project).

Well, from all the information that’s been handed to me by Steve Fielding and the completely objective and well-informed Exclusive Brethren lobbyists, it’s become clear what happens every time you turn your computer on. You can’t buy a second-hand toaster on ebay without the most horrifically extreme fetish child abuse video nasties leaping onto your screen and connecting you up with the Russian slave trade. It’s true!

So we, the government, are here to protect you, and live up to our side of the deal we made with the religious Right to put less Greens and more Fieldings into the Senate, and we don’t regret that one little bit, let me tell you. And I don’t want to hear any of that rubbish about paedophiles using these so-called peer-to-peer networks to trade their filth, our filter doesn’t do anything about those things, because they don’t exist.

Moreover, I’m sick and tired of hearing all the complaints about the ACMA list of banned websites, and how it’s secret – it has to be secret, otherwise all you child-porn apologists would start a lot of Civil Liberties rah rah rubbish about the fact that the list also contains about a zillion sites that upset the (completely objective and well-informed) Exclusive Brethren lobbyists, as well as any site that calls me a fuckwit.

So, enjoy this issue of the Tribune while you can. Nobody calls me a fuckwit and gets to keep their domain name.

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NOTPennyWong on the Soapbox:

Jesus, what a fucking debacle. Copenhagen, for fuck’s sake. It’s fucking freezing over there, so what did we have to put up with from the “climate change sceptics”? “Ooer, it’s snowing, how’s that for global warming?” I mean, fuck.

Then that fucking twerp Fielding shows up, stands outside with Monckton, and complains that he wasn’t let in! The Earth is round, and it orbits the fucking SUN, not the other way around, you little c_nt! Until you work that out, you are not welcome here.

By the way, our CPRS incorporating the ETS is still the best way to go, despite what those losers at the IMF and elsewhere think. How can we hand billions of your dollars over to the coal industry and make a barely perceptible difference to carbon pollutions if we don’t design a ridiculously convoluted system that will need 10,000 public servants to run it and another 5,000 to argue about it?

Shit… hang on, the phone’s ringing. Hi, Kev. Oh yeah, sorry. Don’t worry about it, I’ll say it was Garrett.

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NOTTonyAbbott on the soapbox:

It’s obvious to all of us that Kevin Rudd has no clear policy on wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, he’s just flip-flopping and showing no direction whatsoever, apart from imposing a big new tax on hard working Australians.

As far as wishing you a Happy New Year and Merry Christmas myself, well let me just say this: I ask you to take a good hard look at Mr Rudd’s Huge New Tax, and think about what he promised on this subject several years ago, and the fact that he’s been in government now for over two years and still hasn’t come up with a Happy New Year or a Merry Christmas policy that will answer the HNY/MC needs of working Australians, who are all just putting their shoulders to the wheel and finding ways to pay Mr Rudd’s Giant New Tax.

Now I’ll be announcing, let me just say this, over the next couple of months, a clear policy direction from the Opposition on Mr Rudd’s Enormous New Tax, and his lack of direction as far as Happy New Year/Merry Christmas goes, and my press conferences will outline that Mr Rudd has invented a Titanic New Tax and is Soft On Border Control and if you ask me what I would have done about those Sri Lankans, well Mr Rudd didn’t know what to do he’s Soft On Border Control and has no clear policy on the matter and as for what I would have done, or do I agree or disagree with what he did, well let me just say this: Mr Rudd dealt with the problem by imposing a Fucking Ginormous New Tax, and had no clear direction, and the issue isn’t whether or not I would have done the same thing or something different, Mr Rudd’s Galactic-sized New Tax is the issue and, well, let me say this… (interview cut short as Leigh Sales lost consciousness when NOTTonyAbbott revealed an even smaller pair of Speedos under his cycling gear).

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