When one is travelling about our delightful city on public transport, one should always rise and offer one’s seat to pregnant women.

However, and I truly can’t stress this enough, one must always be very VERY sure that the woman in question is, in fact, pregnant before doing so.

A genuinely pregnant woman may appreciate you flouncing about on her crowded train, shuddering with self righteous indignation as you offer up your seat and make loud remarks about ill bred louts lolling about while a pregnant woman stands with her ankles swelling like inflatable life rafts.

Such actions may not be so gratefully received by a woman who is not so much pregnant as merely...shall we say… voluptuous…

Still, sometimes in life these things are unavoidable and in the immediate aftermath it may seem like a good idea to attempt an apology to alleviate the shimmering embarrassment felt by both you and the large, enraged woman in front of you. You are wrong about this, it’s a very bad idea and it will not help. Anything you say this point will only make things worse. A lot worse.

In particular, do NOT attempt to explain that you only caught a glimpse, from the corner of your eye, of the belly in question and that having seen it properly you can now see that she doesn’t look very pregnant at all.

Quite clearly, she does.

Also, sniggers and giggles from the surrounding passengers are inevitable and, no matter how hard you try, impossible to ignore.

The only honourable option you can take in these circumstances is to force open the doors and throw yourself from the speeding train, thereby removing the obligation from the not-pregnant pregnant woman to do it for you.

For future reference, the prevailing wisdom on this subject is as follows: Unless you can actually see a baby emerging from the woman in front of you, never ever assume she is pregnant.

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