Assorted Idiocy from court and the street, showing you just how hard our justice system works to protect us from the deeply stupid.

The Car Accident
Interview at the scene of a three-car collision, where an old red Laser had, for no good reason, drifted onto the wrong side of a road in Camberwell a bit after lunchtime. Thankfully no one is injured, however a lot of Margarets are late for tennis and their ash-blonde bobs are quivering with rage at the chunks of Range Rover lying all over the road. The at-fault Driver appears to be somewhat, shall we say, confused and a little bit sleepy.

Cop: The PBT shows no alcohol, but you look a bit woozy. Have you taken anything today?

Driver: No, nothing illegal…

Cop (ears prick up): What do you mean, nothing illegal?

Driver: Well I shared a joint at lunchtime, and I’ve…

Cop: A Joint? You know cannabis is illegal?

Driver: Is it? Shit…

Cop (starting to see the potential): Um, yes it is, on my planet anyway. Any other, ah, substances you’ve ingested in some form or another?

Driver: I’ve had some valium, too.

Cop: How much valium? Is it prescribed?

Driver: Yeah, I’ve got a prescription for it, I took two and a half at lunchtime.

Cop: What dose has your doctor prescribed for you?

Driver: I’m meant to take one at night to help me sleep.

Cop: And you’ve had two and a half, an hour ago, right?

Driver: Yeah, I was feeling a bit stressed, you know.

Cop: I can dig that, Tuesdays bum me out, too.

Driver: Yeah, man, it’s just… anyway..

Cop: So, this valium, does it affect your ability to drive do you think?

Driver (indicates bent Range Rovers and cranky Margarets): Well, shit yeah, I mean, look at all this!

No Offence Detected
When a police officer is confronted with a situation, or a report of a situation, or a person in a situation, the very first thing they need to determine is “has an offence (other than Theft Of Air, which is happening all too often these days) been committed?”

Faced, at 2am, with a bloke in a stripy top climbing out the window of a bank, carrying a bag marked “LOOT”, or a driver falling out of his car at a Booze Bus and vomiting all over shiny police-issue boots then looking up and mumbling “shit, I don’t remember eating that!”, it’s generally not too tough a question to answer.

Sometimes, however, it’s a little more complex; criminal law is certainly easier to digest than tax law, but it’s full of detail, such as What is a Public Place, What is Offensive, what is a Building or Part of a Building, and so on.

So legal opinions are sought. The following are a couple of examples where no offence could be found, or if it could technically be found, there was no reasonable prospect of a conviction. With that in mind, I certainly don’t recommend that you quote me as an authority should you be apprehended performing these acts.

It’s a nice hole in the fence, and your dog is very friendly
Imagine you knock off work early. You get home, slide into the trakkies and ugg boots, and go to the kitchen for a nice cup of tea to dip some bikkies into as you watch a DVD before the kids get home from school.

You’re rinsing a cup as the kettle boils, and look out the window to the backyard.

Rover is at the side fence. Something is poking through the side fence, and Rover is licking it, quite energetically. You exit nice-cup-of-tea mode, and enter what-the-fuck-is-that mode.

Eventually the what-the-fuck-is-that part of your brain works out that it’s a human arse.

Your neighbour’s arse is poking through the fence. Rover is licking it. You are frozen with God-only-knows-what (Fear? Horror? Hysterical internal laughter?) and drop the tea cup.

This noise distracts Rover from his arse-licking (imagine if someone had dropped a teacup whenever Gareth Evans was talking to the Indonesians) and he looks at you, somewhat guilty. The arse disappears.

You report it to the police. They don’t laugh at all, and take it very seriously, and get a very serious statement from you, and then they put lots of covering reports on it, none of them in the least bit humorous, and send it off for a Legal Opinion. The police legal experts don’t think it’s at all funny, and read lots of law books and have lots of very serious legal arguments.

And guess what? It’s not a Public Place, and can’t be seen from one, so it’s not Offensive Behaviour. There are no genitalia visible, so it’s not Wilful and Obscene Exposure. You’re not a child, so it’s not Indecent Act In The Presence Thereof. And so on. You didn’t get a chance to take a photo, so you can’t even do a poster campaign.

But you are comfortable in the knowledge that, next time you feel the need for a little analingus canis, or rim-dog action, as long as you do it in someone else’s back yard, without your doodle or lady-garden on display, you’re home free.

An attractive offer, to be sure, but I really do have to get to a meeting
Those of us who live in and around St Kilda know all too well that there prostitutes (oh, allright, street-based Sex Workers, if you must) about. Offering sexual services for money is called Solicit For Prostitution. Under-dressed female leaning into a car negotiating a price = Solicit. Pretty Simple.

Also amusing, late at night, is a carload of lads, pulled over by the cops in one of the back streets of our esteemed ‘burb well-known as a haunt of the afore-mentioned street-based Sex Workers.

“Where have you been tonight boys?”

“Um, the city? We’re just on our way home.”

“Oh yeah, where’s home then?”

“Um, Deer Park.”

“Well you better fuck off back to Deer Park before I charge you with violating your visa or something.”

However it gets more complicated when a twenty year old man, dressed in running shorts, long white socks, boots, a yellow shirt and a dinner jacket is sitting outside Hungry Jack’s in Swanston St. Said young man has found himself a bit of cardboard, and has written on it in charcoal “WILL FUCK FOR FOOD”.

Surprisingly enough, this offer was not taken up before police arrived and confiscated the sign.

The Lamington Brief
When a person pleads guilty in the Magistrates’ Court to a charge or charges, the police prosecutor stands up and reads out the Summary Of Evidence, including any stated reason for the offence (eg shoplifter: “I like jelly beans”, drink driver: “why arnshoo out cashing burglarsshhhh” etc), then defence get up and say why their client’s a good bloke who shouldn’t go to jail or lose his licence for too long or whatever.

The following is an actual summary that was read out in court – originally this dude was charged with Assault Police (x2), Wilful Damage (to the police van), and Discharge Missile. The plea was negotiated down and most of the charges were dropped. When reading this, it helps to imagine yourself as a kind of old-school, pompous middle-aged copper, like that bloke with a pet wombat from A Country Practice. That’s pretty much the only way any self-respecting prosecutor could read this out in court…..

“At approximately 1.34pm on (date), police were patrolling the (suburb) area. As the police vehicle travelled West along (street), police observed the defendant leaning on the fence of number 128A.

The defendant was observed by police to be eating a lamington-style cake. The cake was a cube in shape, measuring approximately five (5) centimetres on each side. The defendant had taken a bite of the lamington cake, on one (1) corner. He was holding the lamington cake in his right hand. As the police vehicle approached, the defendant appeared to mutter under his breath, while looking at police members.

Constable (name) activated the window control, and lowered the passenger side window of the police vehicle. Constable (name) then requested the defendant to approach the police vehicle and converse with him.

The defendant then raised and cocked his right arm, containing the (partially-eaten) lamington cake, in a throwing motion. Before police could react or retreat, the defendant then forcefully threw the (partially-eaten) lamington cake at the police vehicle. Police took cover, however the lamington cake hit the lower edge of the open passenger side window and exploded, showering the two police members with crumbs and coconut.”

The van was later vacuumed, at a cost of fifteen (15) dollars.

Reason given for offence: Get Fucked.

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Next time you’re pulled over or spoken to by the police, or you bag the courts for being soft on crime or whatever, try and bear in mind the stupid stupid shit they have to deal with every day. They’re out there 24/7 (well, the Magistrates are there from ten to four Monday to Fridays), doing their best to keep us all safe from stupid people, and we owe them for that much at least.

Oh, and by the way, next time you’re driving and a cop breath tests you, try to remember that every single cop has done this at least twelve thousand times, and there is nothing you can say that he or she hasn’t heard at least nine thousand times before, and that’s why you’re not funny.

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