Or, more appropriately, how to live with a woman who is living with PMS.

On the fourth Thursday of every month there is a good chance you will see Justin sitting at the King, looking alone and scared. If you see him thusly, stop, buy him a beer and maybe give him a hug. He needs it. His wife has just turned into a homicidal/suicidal harridan and chased him out of his own house.

He tells me (not terribly often) that it is hard to live with a woman who gets PMS. Depending on the phase of the moon, I will either listen with some sympathy or start removing his eyeballs with a dirty spoon.

You see, no matter how hard it may be to be a man living with PMS, it is so much harder being a woman living with PMS. If you are a man you get to leave the house when it gets too bad but, despite many years of trying, I am yet to find an effective way of leaving the inside of my own head. Spending five days out of every month feeling overwhelmed by rage and despair, while you fart like a drayhorse and look like a dyspeptic toad is NOT fun. And having this happen on a regular basis and not be able to do anything about it doesn’t lend itself to sympathy for a man who is never at the mercy of his hormones.

However, it has slowly dawned on me over the last few years that having a sympathetic man around, one who has been trained in the ways of dealing with this situation, can actually help. So I’m going to do some public service work here and give you some practical tips on how to live with a woman who lives with PMS.

The first one is to remember that when the Lord giveth he also taketh the hell away. Two weeks after the PMS hell is the ovulation high, where the woman in question realises that she looks good, she feel great, she can do anything and you are a handsome demigod that she must shag at every available opportunity. If you have been sympathetic and loving during her time of woe, you will achieve full god status and your cup of conjugal delights will overflow. Surely the linear man-brain can see the benefits of this and respond accordingly?

The second thing is do NOT try to fix her. She is not broken and she does not need you telling her that she is. If the hormone rollercoaster has taken her down the rage run, you risk serious injury (and possible incarceration for her) by telling her she should just get over it. If she is on the despair track she may well spend the rest of the night hiding under the bed wailing about what a horrible person you think she is. Then you’ll feel bad. Or at least, you should feel bad.

The best way to deal with it is to ask her the best way to deal with it. Not while it is actually happening (idiot!) but afterwards. During the calm or happy phase, gently inquire as to the most helpful response next time it happens. Does she want you to just get the hell away from her? Should you leave wine and chocolate outside her door before you go? Should you give her a hug and make some comforting noises, or is she going to attempt to introduce your face to your colon if you try to touch her?

Once you know what to do in the eye of the storm you’ll feel more comfortable and if she can see that you listened to her and are making an effort to help, she will likely hate you just a little bit less during the worst of it.

If your beloved’s hormone hell takes the form of standing in front of the mirror sobbing in horror at the bloated gorgon staring back at her DO NOT tell her that she looks the same as she did last week. Either she will think that you are lying (and what the hell else are you lying to me about, you bastard?) or she will be even more overcome with horror because now she know that she can never ever leave the house again.

A hug at this point will probably be acceptable (not the let-me-hug-you-so-I-can-squeeze-your-bottom hug, have some sense) and an appreciative “mmm, you smell nice” will work wonders. Even a bloated gorgon can smell nice, and it’s reassuring to be told that you haven't lost all your feminine charms to the misshapen monster in the mirror. This will work even if the bathroom is full of the afore-mentioned drayhorse smells. Get over it. You’re a man, you’ve smelled worse.

On a purely practical level, some things that work well are wine, chocolate, aspirin and exercise. Approach this last one with caution though. It does actually work, but you’d want to be very circumspect when suggesting a trip to the gym to a bloated hormonal woman who is slumped on the couch covered in biscuit crumbs and empty gin bottles. Maybe try suggesting that you go for a run together. At the very least it will get you both out of the house and by the time you get back she may be too tired to throw things at you accurately.

Above all, just try really really hard not be an asshole about it. This is something truly horrible happening to the woman that you love. She has no control over it and, no matter how bad you feel, I guarantee you she feels worse. Be nice to her, it can’t hurt you and it might help make her feel better.

Then wait two weeks, and enjoy the ride!

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