Welcome to the mid-September, pre-Grand Final, post-election Tribune, folks, please wipe your feet, ignore the mess we’ve had the photocopier repairman in, and watch out, those Goddamn monkeys bite!

I tipped this. Yes I did, I had a dream about a hung parliament a while ago, and that’s the truth because I’m now writing it down for you after the event, just like Pastor Danny Nalliah of Catch The Fire Ministries does on a regular basis.

Lately he’s had to apologise, though – after correctly predicting a whole lot of things after they’d happened, he must have thought he was on a roll or something, because he went and publicised his dream about Gillard conceding the election before it happened!!!! I guess he’s not as Godly as he thought, because it didn’t actually happen, and maybe he’ll be eaten by a bear or something as punishment. Speaking of nasty fundamentalist fuckheads, as I write it’s only a couple of days until a bunch of arse clowns in Florida hold a Koran-burning, which will be nice, I’m sure.

Still speaking of nasty fundamentalist (but almost endearingly funny) fuckheads, STEVE FIELDING LOST!!!! Yep, he got even less than the 0.8% or whatever he got when he “won” the Senate seat, and nobody except the odd fuckhead fringe-dweller sent any preferences his way, so he’s GORN.

Trouble is, he still holds his seat until July next year, and you know what that means: lots more “look at meeeeee” bullshit from arguably the stupidest and unarguably the most pointless senator since Federation. Let’s just hope he keeps the stunts to a relatively harmless level, like dressing up as a condom and talking about gay prisoners setting up abortion factories for heroin-addicted boat people in motel rooms with free Macs, or something.

But chances are that he’ll sniff the wind in Canberra, detect the scent of torches and pitchforks emanating from the Opposition, and think that this may really be his moment, this may be his time to ruh huh huh heally get noticed, and do something really, really fucked up. He still has a vote, and it’s an important vote, and this pathetic, stupid, desperate little man, who represents nobody and has nothing intelligent to say, may just use that vote to try and bring down a government. If you see him on the street, trip him over.

Typical. You start writing something and you think you’re being all topical and down with the kids and right on, and, well, mainly, topical, and then things change overnight. The International Burn a Koran Day fuckhead has relented, but, like all good fuckheads, he couldn’t just actually relent by saying something like “okay, we admit, as ideas go it was up there with nailing your genitals to the bonnet of your ex-wife’s car and covering yourself in KY Jelly and blue M&Ms as far as its measurement on the Really Fucking Stupid-o-Meter, so, we’ve decided not to do it any more, and we’re sorry for all the fuss.”

Could he do that? Could he just stand up in front of the cameras and say “Derp derp, I’m two hundred pounds of fuckmeat, I’m very stoopid, here’s my bottom, everyone line up and have a kick.”? No, of course not, he couldn’t admit that the Koran-burning was a stupid, offensive, stupid thing to do, and people with more brains than him, like that Fevola guy, had talked some sense into him and he was, well, WRONG to suggest it, and, sorry everyone. No, he couldn’t, he had to claim some kind of victory, didn’t he?

So he stands in front of TV cameras, knowing the pictures will go out to THE WHOLE FECKING WORLD, and says “I spoke to the Oman (we think he means Imam) of that proposed mosque in New York, and I convinced him to MOVE THE MOSQUE (something the fucking President couldn’t do up to this point) so this is a sign from God that we don’t need to burn any Korans so it’s all okay because I did it, me me me me.”

Never mind that, within minutes word came out that the Imam of the proposed New York mosque/community centre, and the property developer, and just about everyone else in New York hadn’t actually spoken to the crank, and there was no deal to move the mosque. So now, apparently, he’s re-thinking his position, because he doesn’t like it when the facts get in the way of his fantasies. Like Creation. And God.

All of this is kind of funny, as long as you deliberately ignore a few things: One, it’s a massively offensive thing to do. Two, there are a hell of a lot of NATO soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, where this kind of thing could go down rather badly, and put those young men and women at risk of entire populations rising up and wanting to kill them, instead of just, you know, half the population at this stage.

Thirdly, this wanker runs a church with thirty members, and the world’s media should be ashamed to the point of ritual suicide that they have allowed such an insignificant small-town pig-fondler to dominate headlines and TV coverage for as long as he has.

And yes, I am aware of the attendant irony in giving the fucker 350 words, but at least I’m funny.

Unlike Jane, who is just nasty. She recently punched me on the foot, and when I said “Ouch”, she called me a poof. Jaguar no longer sponsor her, and she’s been dropped from the commentary team for the Commonwealth Games.

In other news on the home front, none of your fucking business.

Love to all who love us and a week up the bottom of Pastor Jones for those who don’t.

Jane & Justin

Editors

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