Good morning or afternoon or hangover, dear fans, and welcome to our Election Issue, twenty pages of information, opinion and, as always, shouting. We truly hope that, once you’ve digested it all, you’ll be in a better position to make an informed decision, and to cast your vote effectively and with confidence.

DISCLAIMER: we have interviewed the Melbourne Ports candidates from the three major parties, and we’ve considered some of the issues, but we are not, repeat not, endorsing anyone.

So, what are we trying to do? Hmmm, discuss: being slightly obsessed with politics (all seven seasons of The West Wing five or six times now), we’ve been driven even more insane than usual by the dearth of debate, the paucity of policy, and the vacuity of vision in this election campaign.

Early on, after the appalling waste of time that billed itself as The Great Debate, we realised that the average voter just wasn’t going to get anything resembling debate or information from the Mainstream Media. At best, the commercial press and TV play sound-bites with important-sounding voice-overs, and the ABC, so cowed into the appearance of “balance” is just presenting he said/she said with no analysis.

There doesn’t seem to be any outlet, other than the wonk-blogs and the Twittersphere, for real political discussion, and who (other than the wonks) really has the time or the inclination to trawl through all the lolcats to find them?

The mainstream media is now inextricably entwined in a co-dependent relationship with the political class, and neither of them wants you to have any idea what the hell’s going on or what the hell it all means. You’re being told to make a decision on the basis of an endless cycle of Non-Issue Of The Day, Gaffe-Watch, election promises or hysterical accusations of lying incompetence; and not on the basis of anything resembling facts.

So we’ve taken the bit between our teeth and we’re going to try to persuade you not to give up in disgust, but to get even more involved than you were when it felt like there was some point to it all.

We spent a few hours figuring out how the voting system (upper and lower house) works, and did about fifteen re-writes trying to explain it in terms understandable to non-psephologists or mathematicians. Hope it works, and hope you don’t waste your vote.

Speaking (again) of your vote, we thought it would be useful for you if you had a chance to see who it is you’re voting for here in Melbourne Ports. Our local candidates from the ALP, the Liberals and the Greens were remarkably easy to contact, and just as happy to speak to us.

For most of us, politicians are the professional spin-merchants and hyperbole shouters we see on TV. It was surprising and more than a little bit pleasant to actually meet the local member and his competition and find that they were approachable, honest about both themselves and their parties, and unnervingly real. Unnerving because, having watched the big boys and girls play “don’t answer the question just shout today’s message” with Leigh or Tony on Lateline, all we expected from any of them was a few pat answers and party slogans. Instead we got a glimpse of what politics should be: dedicated people, giving up their time to campaign for something they believe in, trying to do good as they see it.

Okay, that’s all getting a little syrupy, and the computer’s about to melt from all the niceness, so, um, sorry. Normal transmission will resume in a few moments.

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This campaign’s just been crap, hasn’t it? For the first three weeks, neither side presented us with a single policy, just a lot of Moving Forward and Great Big New Tax, and joint declarations of hatred and fear towards refugees, oops, sorry, they’re just talking about sustainability and concerned about evil bastard people smugglers exploiting refugees for money. Exploiting refugees to corral the bogan vote is perfectly acceptable, though.

Speaking of “no seriously”, check out @wendy4senate, also known as Wendy Francis, the Family First candidate for the Queensland Senate.

Remember the disclaimer at the start of this Rant, saying how we’re non-partisan? Well, that’s not entirely, 100% true. When it comes to Family First, we have a position, and that position is squatting over them with our pants off, having consumed nothing but bad curry, licorice allsorts and Guinness for three days.

They have a right to hold their narrow-minded beliefs and their bigoted philosophy, and they have a right to live in fear and ignorance. But we have the right to a Senate that isn’t reliant on these nasty and deeply stupid people holding the balance of power. Steve Fielding is odds-on to lose his seat on the 21st (happy dancing), and we all must be careful that he isn’t replaced with another Family First Senator. See Juzzy’s How To Vote piece for instructions.

If you’ve already voted, and you’re feeling a little bewildered and maybe a bit cheapened, we’re truly sorry you didn’t find us in time. If you haven’t voted yet, please take the time to read our humble (humble? Us? – Ed) Tribune, and make sure your vote counts, and most important, goes exactly where you want it to.

If you don’t care about politics and you only vote because you have to, well maybe we’ll show you what you’re missing out on.

If nothing else, please remember that your local school puts in a lot of effort on election day, and despite the BER they need the cash for a new tennis ball and a couple of pencils. So please, buy a sausage and a couple of cupcakes, okay?

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