A selection of off and on the record quotes from various knobjockeys that we thought might interest you.

Some of these quotes may not have made it into the public record yet, but that is probably because we just thought of them today...

NotEddieMaguire

Well it’s great to be here thanks to (insert sponsor name) and (insert another sponsor name), and I just want to say how much I love gay blokes not, like, heh heh, love them, y’know, cause I’m not gay, but I’ve got a lot of friends who are and I respect their filthy little secret and I just wanna say that there’s nothing wrong at all with being a limp-wristed bum-boy if that’s the kind of perversion that turns you on.Seriously folks I don’t see what all the fuss is about, I mean I ran the footy show all those years and we’ve always been really inclusive and modern and that, I mean we were always a beacon of tasteful humour and it was only right that I hosted the winter Olympics and took the piss out of that nancy ice skater.

So anyway, thanks to (insert fourteen sponsors’ names), here I am being interviewed by gay men in their gay office of their gay magazine, just to show you that I’m fine with gay blokes.

So, um, poofs are okay, right? I can call you poofs, right, I mean we’re not living in a poof-nanny state are we? Jeez!

Yeah, I know there are AFL players who eat pork, so to speak, and I’m happy knowing that, I’ll keep their secret for them as long as I keep my back to the wall, hey, you know heh heh..

And I promise none of them play for Collingwood, alright?

NotTonyAbbott
(Transcript of a phone call to his chief policy advisor)

What’s that? Who am I trying to make up with this time? Homos? Jesus wept, this is messing with the orthodox view of the natural order of things isn’t it?

Um, hello, homosexual degenerates, it’s extremely uncomfortable being here surrounded by you threatening…

(phone rings) That’ll be my wife, having a problem with her iron, I’d better run. Bye.

NotBarnabyJoyce
What the fuck? I was doing so well, I mean look at all this debt! Gazillioites of it! Whadaya mean I’m fired?

NotWayneSwan
Fuck. We needed him.

NotPennyWong
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NotHeraldSunEditor
(transcript from editorial meeting, 22 March, 2010)

Yeah, Barry, it’s on topic, there was that atheist convention on just the other day; let’s get a well-known theologian to deliver a couple thousand words about spirituality and the vacuity of secular humanism.

Hmm, who should we ask? Father Bob Mcguire? The archbishop of Melbourne? What about a round table, you know, Muslims, Jews, Christians, grab a couple of them Hindus and some hippies, yeah, that’s a great idea!!

Nah fuck it, we’re the Herald Sun, how about someone with the common touch – Gary Ablett senior, yeah? He used to be called God, I reckon that’ll fly!

(two days later, they receive 12000 words that read like they were put together by a snake-handling Texan preacher, ghost-written by the unabomber).

Fuck me, Baz, I was joking!!! Have you read this? He’s fucking serious! Have we paid him? Fuck. It’s God writing about God, there’s no way we can hide this, is there? Oh fuck, who promised him a front-page teaser in print and online? Whoever it was is gonna cut this down to something less than eleven fucking pages, mark my words.

So what are we running on the weekend? Fatty Vautin and Greg Ritchie presenting a dialogue on the stolen generation? Maybe we should get Richard Dawkins on the email and ask him what he thinks of the hands in the back rule? How about we tease out Fevola on his take on the tenth dimension in string theory? Or ask that Steven Hawking bloke to do a yoga pictorial?

This is your fault, Barry.

NotGaryAblett
(Much as I loathe the intellectual vacuum from whence Ablett’s cut-and-paste rambling came, and the hateful demagogues who feed this rubbish to gullible, damaged souls like Gary, I am not Sam Newman. I will not get cheap laughs from people with intellectual and/or mental disabilities. I’m serious.)

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