In another exclusive at the Tribune, we have gathered together the finest minds from both sides of the political divide to bring you a summation of their thoughts on the major issues of the day.
From the Left we present the collected wisdom of Catherine Deveney, John Pilger and Clive Hamilton. From the Right we have Piers Ackerman, Andrew Bolt and Janet Albrechtsen.
From completely nowhere, Steven Fielding threatened to hold his breath forever if we didn’t include him. Tempting as it was, we thought better of holding a pillow over his face for the good of humanity and let him have his say. [Please address all hate mail to the persons listed above, not the Tribune. Our hate mail box is full anyway - Eds.]
EDUCATIONFrom the Left
Children should never fail defer their success and we shouldn’t use aggressive red pens that make them feel marginalised.
The focus of education should be to reinforce in children that they are special, unique and beautiful individuals. Spelling, grammar and standards are elitist, we should concentrate on encouraging equality of outcomes for everyone, no matter how stupid they are.
Streaming children based on their ability discriminates against those who really need attention. We lift up the naturally gifted and privileged kids (whose parents probably have lots of money anyway) at the expense of those who most need our help.
Private schools only exist to perpetuate the old boy network and provide a sanctuary for elitist snobs to avoid facing the real issues of life. The point of schools is not to learn, but to learn how to think (that John Howard is a bastard)
From the Right
If you can afford it you will get the education you are predisposed to benefit from.
It’s a waste of taxpayers money to try and lift up delinquent kids who will not amount to anything, most of them are immigrants anyway. We shouldn’t waste time teaching English to people who have never heard of Don Bradman.
It costs a lot less to educate a student in the private system than it does in Government schools, and society is better off because these kids actually have a chance of becoming lawyers and doctors rather than checkout chicks.
The state school system is a breeding ground for criminals and hippies, administered by poofs, lezzos and fucking communists.
We should get back to the basics of Don Bradman, Gallipoli and singing God Save the Queen.
Steven Fielding
Education is really important, especially if you have a disability, like I do. Even though I had a really good education it’s not fair that everyone expects me to be able to know all the stuff because, like I said, I have a disability. I’m an engineer you know, so I know lots of stuff, and beside, I’m a senator; what do I need to know all the stuff for anyway?
THE ABC
From the Left
Why oh why. Oh ABC, why hast thou forsaken me?
The ABC was supposed to be the voice of a people, and that prick John Howard stacked it with Liberal apparatchiks. Now we have that flame haired right wing gorgon Leigh Sayles turning Lateline into a Coalition blow-job fest. Drowning out the voice of the people with slurps and gargles.
For fuck sake, they have Andrew Bolt on Insiders every week, and they refuse to sodomise him with a calculator, despite overwhelming tweet requests from those of us who remain faithful to the cause. It’s about time we had someone on the ABC who can make some proper sense on social issues, why isn't Catherine Deveney given a permanent seat on the Q&A panel, she always adds a voice of sense and reason to an otherwise bullshit debate.
From the Right
Did you hear that that poof, wanker, communist, tree-hugging girl of a bastard Jonathon Green has been placed in charge of the online line content for the left-wing, ranting mouthpiece, peoples daily wannabe ABC? Fucking luvvies. Why do our taxes pay for the Marxist ranting of a bunch of green pen wielding ALP apparatchiks, hell bent on turning Australia into a lesbian separatist commune. The only thing that John Howard ever did wrong was take our guns away. Now we can’t go shoot the bastards and watch their green blood ooze into our iron and uranium enriched soil. And they still pay the salary of that cunt Tony Jones, I’d like to know the calorie count of his rider and how many more times do I have to listen to that bastard Kerry O’Brien giving poor Tony Abbot a hard time and refusing to listen when he makes sense about everything.
Steven Fielding
The ABC is biased I know this because I’ve got a graph here that shows I’ve never been on the 7.30 report even when I had a picture of the time I fell off my bike and Nick Xzennophone laughed at me. Some of there shows have rude words on it and this is bad for families who need to know what I think about rude words. I like The Bill but Doctor Who is scary and John Saffron killed the baby Jesus and the ABC shouldn’t let that kind of thing into people’s lounge rooms.
DEFENCE
From the Left
For the money we spend on defence we could cure world hunger. Soldiers are state sanctioned murderers and baby killers. John Howard should be tried for war crimes for the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan.
The defence department is responsible for brainwashing our sons and daughters, sending them to wars that have nothing to do with our national security, solely to further a sycophantic relationship with a racist imperialist war-mongering hegemony hell-bent on converting otherwise happy and free nations like Iraq into fundamentalist Christian free market clones.
From the Right
We need to protect our way of life from fundamentalist Moslems. We should bring back conscription and all the wayward youth would learn something about discipline. My dad fought in Vietnam it made him the man he is. The ANZACs in Gallipoli forged our way of life through blood sweat and tears under our flag for our way of life, and a soft approach to defence tramples their legacy. If everyone had small-arms training Australia would be a much safer and more polite place to live.
A soft approach to Defence makes us an easy target for the imminent invasion from China or Indonesia.
Steven Fielding
I like soldiers, they’re all big and strong and they’re not allowed to laugh at me. I have some toy soldiers in my office that I’m allowed play with sometimes, but Anthony Albanese is really mean and stole all their bayonets one time when I was having a nap. Sometimes in the senate I crouch down behind someone’s chair and go “pew pew” at Xeneph Zeneho at Nick. Christopher Pine and I went and played soldiers one time in the gardens at parliament house, but I won’t talk about that until next time Kevin Rudd is apologising for something.
BOAT PEOPLE
From the Left
We’re all boat people really, and Australia is actually bigger than the US when you think about it; we’ve got so much empty space we should open up to them, it’s just racist to arbitrarily say that we don’t have enough room.
Look at what happened to European Jews in the 30s, we’re no better than the Nazis if we don’t open our arms to these people.
Every single refugee who’s ever come to Australia has gone on to become a valued member of society or a lawyer at a community legal centre, and some of them weave very nice baskets and I really like falafel.
Refugees don't ever commit crimes, it’s only our racist police not understanding the culture of gathering together in packs at 2am.
They’re all lovely and none of us have any idea what it’s like to lose your home and your coffee machine and we should give them lots of stuff and a nice home but not too close to me because I live in Armadale and Mrs Perrit next door has arthritis. Thank you.
From the Right
The Anzacs fought and died for our free, tolerant Australian way of life, and they’d turn in their graves to see us opening our borders to all these rich, queue-jumping, wife-beating terrorists who just want to come here and bring their hatred and intolerance with them.
If they want to come to Australia they should line up like everyone else, and not wear their stupid clothes or throw their children overboard while they steal our jobs and touch our womenfolk.
They don’t give anything to our society, they don’t want to work for a living, they just want our hard earned taxes to pay for their big five-bedroom houses and free healthcare while they hang around in gangs, robbing old ladies and touching our womenfolk.
We grew here, they flew here, they should just think about that and go the fuck home.
Steven Fielding
I don’t think people should come here on boats, they should come on planes like our ancestors did, and it’s really mean when Kevin Rudd puts children in prison and doesn’t listen to me. I showed him a graph that proved that since we’ve had more Muslims and gay marriage the drought has got worse.
CLIMATE CHANGE
From the Left
The facts are there because the UN told us so, and those wombat-killers who refuse to accept the reality of human causation of climate change are no better than holocaust deniers, in fact they’re worse because Helen Ridout is running their agenda. We have lots of sun and wind in Australia and we don’t need fossil fuels at all, and there’s a drought at the moment. So There.
It’s ironic that all the filthy rich climate change deniers will be the first to drown when sea levels rise two metres next Wednesday and their Exxon-funded beach houses are suddenly underwater. All our children will die in flames because of 4WD Porsches, we need to act now, so take this energy-saving lightbulb and don’t flush the toilet except on Tuesdays or if you’ve been eating dhal.
From the Right
There are lots of scientists who don’t think climate change is happening, and even if it is, humans aren’t causing it.
I went to the snow three months ago and it was really cold, so there.
Penny Wong is an Asian lesbian, so there.
Al Gore is just bitter about losing the election to George Bush (who is so unfairly maligned by the lefty communists) and is using the climate change debate to hit back at the Republicans.
We sceptics, who maintain a professional scientific objectivity, are constantly vilified by the Stalinists trying to shut down industry, take our jobs (the ones they haven’t given to boat people) and stifle debate. What about the poor hard working battlers in the coal, forestry and oil industries? How are they going to feed their poor little rosy-cheeked babies? Besides, why should we do anything if China and India are burning all that coal and stealing our industry from under us? Nice white children will starve because of your lefty organic bio-dynamic free range Toyota Prius and it’s impractical to think of it any other way.
Steven Fielding
I paid out of my own pocket for a self funded trip to America to consult with lots of different scientist who don’t believe in climate change and AL Gore is really mean and wouldn’t meet with me because he’s afraid of the truth. I’ve made a really cool graph that shows how it’s not getting warmer since last year and Penny Wong’s graph is not as good as mine, which I did myself. I bet she didn’t do hers all by herself.
LAW & ORDER/SENTENCING
From the Left
The legal system only exists to protect corporate criminals and white people at the expense of the underprivileged and the victims of society.
We must have more regulation, as long as it doesn’t apply to any underprivileged minorities.
No gay/indigenous/immigrant/female/mentally ill person has ever actually committed an offence, they’ve just been arrested because our police are ignorant, racist, corrupt, lazy, bigoted rednecks. All other offenders are all innocent and they’re just crying out for help by beating up people on railway stations.
Sex offenders only need our acceptance and our sympathy and our children will be safe.
Police only shoot people because they are gun-toting cowboys and they should be able to shoot a knife or gun out of someone’s hand rather than Shoot To Kill.
Police don’t do any work they just eat donuts and oppress minorities.
From the Right
Capital punishment would fix everything. So there.
All judges and magistrates are poofs and communists and jails are taxpayer funded holiday retreats. We need more jails, just not where I live.
Yoof should all get a haircut and do some National Service, that would teach them the value of a hard day’s work in return for an honest wage.
If we had proper police, who were properly armed and allowed to deal with troublemakers as they should be dealt with, without having to worry about bleeding heart leftys wringing their hands over a few entirely justified black eyes, we’d all sleep a lot safer in our beds and Wilson Tuckey wouldn’t have to take matters into his own hands.
Mandatory sentencing for everything would put a stop to soft lefty appointed judges letting criminals get away with whining about mental problems so they can go back out on the streets and steal handbags from little old ladies.
Steven Fielding
The Bible says Thou Shalt Not Kill but I reckon capital punishment works because if you’re dead you can’t commit a crime unless you’re a zombie and I heard there are zombie armies out there so we should give policemen bigger guns, but not police women, they should be at home.
I made a graph about zombies but Robert McLelland didn’t understand it.
But anyway, it’s really bad when people commit crimes and someone once committed a crime against me, which made me really sad, and when I tried to tell all the other senators about it they just walked away and didn’t hug me at all.
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIANS
From the Left
They are the custodians and rightful owners of this land, and they were the first environmentalists they had an instinctive link to the earth.
They are all beautiful and spiritual people who are being oppressed by our soulless capitalism.
The intervention was racist policy, it’s martial law designed to stamp out their million-year old beautiful and spiritual culture and their instinctive connection to the earth.
The social difficulties faced by some indigenous communities have been thrust upon them by our white colonialist invasion of their native land, and we should all self-flagellate in shame and make sure that they bear absolutely no responsibility for anything ever except those nice dot paintings.
Oh and by the way we should give them lots of money and when it all gets spent on 4 wheel drives and booze that’s our fault entirely and you’d be a racist pig to suggest otherwise.
A moment’s silence please for Truganini and a nice pat on the head for the occasional indigenous sporting hero.
From the Right
They get a big house and a car and interest free loans and they’re all thieves and they should just get a job and stop stealing things and if they wanted to get ahead they should just get a job and live in a house like normal people, just not next to me.
I’m not racist but they’re all alcoholics and petrol-sniffers who abuse their children; and if they’re all so spiritual why are so many of them in jail.
I mean look at Nicky Winmar he did all right for a while and did they invent the wheel?
No. So there.
Steven Fielding
Indignus ingigin indogn aoboriginals have had a really hard time and that’s not very nice. I had a really hard time once too, so I know what it’s like. They should have a committee meeting in the senate, where I am, and I would listen to them and tell them about how I had a really hard time and that would make them all feel better. I could show them a graph of all my hard times and maybe if they made their own graph, that I could colour in for them, they would feel better.
THE OTHER SIDE
From the Left
They’re a bunch of gun-toting born-again planet-hating racist 4WDing pig-ignorant elitist racists. They hate coloured people and animals and they exist only to further the interests of rich white businessmen who, with one hand, are killing the planet, while, with the other, they turn a spit on a defenceless Down Syndrome kiddy roasting over an open flame.
Michael Moore and John Pilger are so right about these vicious venal bastards who don’t even realise they’re a part of a global conspiracy to turn us all into carbon guzzling consumers. They are so biased and ignorant and filled with hate and envy that they can’t have an argument about the facts without descending into petty vicious personal attacks.
From the Right
Tree-hugging politically correct deluded ex-hippies in their hemp pants and sandals, shouting about inequality as they sip on chardonnay lattes and listen to communist poetry. If they had their way we’d abandon modern society, retreat to a cave, give Osama Bin Laden a big hug and lie on on beanbags smoking bongs and collecting the dole (which the rest of us battlers pay too much tax to provide for them). They are so biased and ignorant and filled with hate and envy that they can’t have an argument about the facts without descending into petty vicious personal attacks.
Steven Fielding
They all think there so smart, but their not. I’ve been they’re when there wrong about stuff. They'res an election coming up in two years… three… next year… soon… so I’m going to put my bottle suit back on and show how much I know through interpretive dance on the parliament house lawn, then everyone will be looking at me instead of that big meanie Xena-phon. (I don’t know why he called himself after Xena, but I wish I’d thought of it, if Xena was on my side everyone would just shut up wouldn’t they?).
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