We watched a very stupid movie on Sunday night, and it contained, amongst a lot of other very stupid stuff, a particularly stupid joke. Jane was seen to chuckle for a moment, while Justin rolled around on the floor cackling like a helium-filled three-armed monkey with a pimple on its back. At some point in this Editors’ Rant, that stupid joke will appear. You have been warned.

It’s been quite a year, all 2009 of it, and quite frankly folks, we’re pretty much over it and getting ready for the feel-good explosion that will no doubt be 2010. We’ve friggin’ well earned it, or at least we’ve put up with enough shit this year, personally, professionally and simply as members of the human race to have expended our share of shit for the next twelve months.

In another exclusive at the Tribune, we have gathered together the finest minds from both sides of the political divide to bring you a summation of their thoughts on the major issues of the day.

1. No matter what anyone says, you cannot please ALL of the people ANY of the time

2. Once broken, some relationships can never be repaired

3. Most people can be cheered up by being emailed a picture of a baby llama, some puppies or an otter holding a bottle of beer

4. Microsoft owes me about three dozen free laptops

We’re really hoping this is some kind of clever parody, but, terrifyingly, it may not be...

One of my favourite Tribunes this year was The Body Issue. Yes, there has been better writing, and more research, and more funny shit, but Body Image and all it means has become something of a hobby horse for me.

We did the Drinking Issue in October, we covered a few drinking related topics, but not this one. Possibly out of a sense of self preservation (interesting aside, pickling is a form of preservation).

Dictionary.com defines alcoholism as “a chronic disorder characterized by dependence on alcohol, repeated excessive use of alcoholic beverages, the development of withdrawal symptoms on reducing or ceasing intake, morbidity that may include cirrhosis of the liver, and decreased ability to function socially and vocationally”.

It’s the reflections issue. I’ve only written three pieces for this ol’ magazine, so in reality the only thing I can reflect on is how the hell I’ve put on so much weight in the last six months. I’m tipping excessive food intake and no exercise. So, rather than reflect, I’m revolting and writing a whole brand new piece.

The Tokyo Motor Show was on just recently. Apparently, the majority of brands decided that, instead of going to Tokyo, they would just eschew the whole event, drink beer in Germany and then present their new vehicles and concepts at Frankfurt. Can’t say I blame them really.

There was a bit of a kafuffle on my sidebar this morning regarding  and Jetstar and their wheelchairs stowing procedures. I flick to the Aus and then the Herald Sun. After reading the over dramatized events in the Herald Sun, I then read all 150 posts. I didn’t count but it was roughly 50\50 for and against.

3:47am: Sit bolt upright in bed groping around for bellows. Stare around darkened bedroom trying to work out why am not using bellows to inflate the bean bag that Hilary Clinton was angrily demanding that I fix for her before the roaring lemurs attack.

3:49: Lie back down and worry slightly about subconscious self. Listen to roaring noise of husband snoring.

4:03: Nudge husband gently. Listen to husband grunt and resume stentorian snoring.

4:10: Kick husband viciously on shins. Rub throbbing foot, listen to husband grunt and resume stentorian snoring.

As published in Crikey:

 I like Nick Xenophon, I like him a lot. He’s like the anti-Steve: an independent senator able to keep his head above water as he swims through the senatorial swill.

His attack on the tax free status church of Scientology last night was laudable, and long overdue, but did not go nearly far enough.Scientologists really are fish in a barrel though: they owe their beginnings to a not-terribly-good science fiction writer, they believe in aliens and they have couch-jumping Tom Cruise as their mascot. You’re not going to provoke a riot by poking them with pointy sticks; but if you are going to question the right of Scientologists to run a tax free organisation, how can you not ask the same question about the Catholics, the Jews, the Pentecostals and the Muslims?

The asylum seeker debate seems to have been taken over by the hysterical right screeching about thousands of terrorists flooding to our shores with the fixed intention of strapping on a suicide vest and blowing up our kindergartens; and the equally hysterical left demanding that the entire 15 million benighted inhabitants of UN refugee camps should be immediately flown to Australia and given a free plasma screen TV and a laptop.

February - The Body Issue
Femininity and body hair; to depilate or not to depilate, that is the question …

In modern, generally anglo-infested countries, it is a sad reflection on the state of things that still a woman's femininity is frequently judged on (amongst a zillion other things) a strategic lack of body hair. This is a plague upon my life, as, being a member of one of the more middlingly-hursuit gene pools, if I choose to (even seasonally) adopt the 'less hair is best hair' approach, frequent clear-felling is needed or total regrowth forests result (in fact I have a theory that, secretly, gorillas sneak into my room at night and reattach all the hairs!). And as for waxing, those suckers are tied to the bone, so unless I'm prepared to sign up for frequent skin grafts, waxing is out!

When did we get some politicians with some balls (Bronwyn Bishop excluded) and why wasn’t I informed?!

As you know, I’ve always had something to shout about when it comes to the AFL.

Many many Tribunes ago I crunched the numbers for a season and put in plain terms how the League was running things for the benefit of a few teams (well, one team: Collingwood), and absolutely fucking most of the rest, but in particular the weaker ones.

So, the 2010 draw is out, and before I launch into it, I have to give some credit for the things they appear to have got right. The timing of Round 22 games is not yet set, allowing a fair break before the finals. Good. The Grand Final rematch isn’t buried in the Season Opening hooplah, instead we wait until Round 13; hopefully the Saints and Cats will both be as blistering as they were this year and the game will deliver.

Gravlax with Crème Fraiche and Horseradish on Rye bread

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Insalata Caprese

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Turkey Breast

Well there I was at the end of the football season bemoaning the fact that there was no sport for me to yell about. A half-dead West Indies is on the way for a moribund cricket season, the Spring Carnival turned out to be, yet again, all about orange schlappers and C-list celebrities and the occasional sighting of Bart Cummings, what was I to do?