Australia. The sunburnt country; the lucky country. So lucky, in fact, that we’ve got wall-to-wall poker machines to take advantage of that luck. Because, as everyone knows, Aussies love to gamble. Lucky, lucky us.

Yet despite this patriotic fervour for gambling, there are some who just don’t get it: evil conniving types who want to change the laws and make poker machines “safer”. They waffle on about suicide rates, and marriage breakdown and billions of dollars lost... but really, we know what they’re saying. They want to hurt our pokies; they want to hurt Australia.

Thankfully, this lucky country just got even luckier. In our darkest hour, with the stormclouds of reform massing on the horizon, one organisation has stood tall and said: Enough. We will not let you harm our poker machines; we will not stand idly by. Your reforms shall not come to pass for they tear at the very fabric of our nation; they are un-Australian. We know this, for we are ClubsAustralia.

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

Who do ClubsAustralia think they’re kidding? Are they so removed from reality that they think they can say what they like, and shrug off the facts as a mere inconvenience? Sadly, yes. ClubsAustralia are little more than a front for ClubsNSW (google “ClubsAustralia” and you’ll see what I mean) and ClubsNSW have long been the biggest, nastiest kid in the sandpit. Everyone does what they say and if you cross them, get ready for a screaming tantrum.

ClubsAustralia’s latest tantrum is the “It’s un-Australian” campaign. Faced with the prospect of meaningful national poker machine reform, ClubsAustralia have lost the plot. This campaign not only made them a laughing stock within days of being launched, it’s also founded on a series of complete lies. But it’s what ClubsAustralia aren’t talking about that really tells the tale. It’s a topic they steer clear of because it defeats every argument they have. What it is that ClubsAustralia don’t want to talk about?

Poker machines.

Strange but true. Log on to the official campaign website. Home page? No mention of poker machines. Petition? Nope. Support us? Uh-uh. Contact your MP? Nada. There are very few direct references to poker machines anywhere on their site; even their slogans avoid the pokies. Why are ClubsAustralia so scared of talking about poker machines? Because the facts speak for themselves.

Australia has close to 200,000 poker machines, in the clubs, pubs and casinos of every state and territory in the land. The exception is Western Australia, where pokies are limited to the Burswood casino. Australia’s pokies are “high-intensity” machines, allowing players to make huge bets very quickly, repeatedly for long periods of time. “High-intensity” machines are illegal in many countries; here they’re everywhere.

The speed of Australia’s poker machines is frightening. It varies from 2.14 seconds per spin in Victoria, to 3.5 seconds per spin in New South Wales and South Australia. A dedicated gambler could press that button between 17 and 28 times a minute; that’s 1020 to 1680 games per hour. Many poker machine players do, indeed, play that fast.

One change that has been spoken about for years involves slowing down the spin rate; somewhere around 5 seconds per spin seems to be the consensus. That would slash the possible number of games down to a lowly 720 per hour.

The speed of play is bad enough; couple that with outrageously high bet limits and it becomes truly terrifying. In many states, you can bet up to $10 every time you press that little button. That’s a $10 bet every few seconds; don’t forget that our poker machines allow a thousand or more of these bets every hour. The capacity for financial devastation is enormous! Little wonder Australia’s poker machines earn $12 billion every year.

Many pokies are one-cent or two-cent machines, which sounds harmless enough. Yet these machines have multiple play lines, up to 50 lines per game in some cases; on a two-cent machine, that’s $1 a game. Throw in multipliers and bang! Up to $10 a game. Not bad for a one- or two-cent machine.

The capacity of poker machines to take your money is enormous, but it’s only half the story. The other side of poker machines is the way they look and sound, their graphics, even the way the reels slot into place; the result of decades of research designed to keep gamblers at their machines... spending more money, faster, for longer periods of time. This is designer addiction. Poker machine manufacturers pour tens of millions of dollars into R&D every year, constantly refining their “product” and looking for new ways to keep people spending money. Problem gambling doesn’t happen by accident; poker machines are designed to encourage it in the vulnerable and they are incredibly good at it.

Given that poker machines are so inherently dangerous, it’s no wonder ClubsAustralia avoid talking about them. Instead, they focus on misdirection. Don’t do it! they cry. These reforms will drive problem gamblers online! All that money will go off-shore! You can’t stop a problem gambler from gambling, so they may as well spend their money with us!

Yes, they have actually said this.

Leaving aside how despicable this argument is, there is absolutely no proof that the proposed reforms will drive problem gamblers en masse to the internet. If anything, the reverse is true; part of the addiction for many is walking into a venue and leaving the world behind. Being anonymous in a room filled with anonymous people; a solidarity of the damned.

There is more to poker machine addiction than the ability to play; because of that, online poker machines don’t have the same appeal. Yes, there will be some who will make the switch, but the vast majority are far more likely to keep playing real-world poker machines, even with lower bet limits and mandatory pre-commitment in place.

Failing this, ClubsAustralia try another tactic. Don’t do it! they cry. We’ll have to replace every machine in the country! Or nearly every machine! That’s going to cost $1.5 billion... oops, $2 billion... no, $3 billion! So don’t do it!

Hmmm. Seems the outlay goes up every time they issue a new press release.

ClubsAustralia say that at least half of Australia’s pokes will need to be replaced (at a cost of $25,000 each), and that the other half will need costly upgrades. Sounds almost plausible, until you realise that for some time now, poker machine manufacturers have been building the ability to lower bet limits and incorporate pre-commitment smart-cards into their new poker machines. Many of these are already out there and will require little more than a software update to bring them into line with the proposed reforms. Last year’s Productivity Commission report estimated that half of the nation’s poker machines could be easily modified to lower their bet limits and payout amounts. An update is a far cry from a replacement; cheaper too. Additionally, the committee putting together the proposal has had expert advice that pre-commitment could be installed for a fraction of what ClubsAustralia say it will cost and one more very important point: clubs and pubs around the country already budget for regular machine replacements. It’s part of being a gaming venue operator, you have to keep updating your machines to stay viable. The money needed to implement these reforms will fall well short of $3 billion. That figure is nothing more than another ClubsAustralia scare tactic.

That’s the “It’s Un-Australian” campaign in a nutshell; equal parts bravado, bluster and bullshit. The biggest kid in the sandpit is in for a rude shock.

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