8:13am Awake to see disapproving blue eyes looming over self. Daughter demands to know when self is going to get up and why she has to be late to school ALL THE TIME. Fall out of bed, wrap self in dressing gown and ugg boots, stumble into kitchen, followed by disapproving daughter. Lean heavily on coffee machine.

8:17am Short but intense battle to extract son from computer headphones. Firmly ignore wails about vital importance of finishing Minecraft thingy, stuff son into blazer and herd children out the door to the car.

8:20am Search frantically through dressing gown pockets for car keys, return to front door and bang impotently on it, demanding that keys open door for self.

8:25am Climb through bathroom window, retrieve keys from inside of front door, hurl self into car and drive too fast through side streets.

8:40am Drive slowly along Chapel St behind tram as son searches “{daughter} smells” on phone and saves search results as home page on phone browser.

8:50am Arrive at school. Car door opened by impeccably dressed mother of daughter’s best friend. Tuck manky dressing gown and last shreds of dignity more firmly around self and inform mother of daughter’s best friend that am deathly ill and have only just been released from hospital. Gratefully accept sympathetic wishes and offers to drive children home from school. Eject children from car and drive home making firm plans for 6am alarm tomorrow morning.

9:15am Make coffee and fuck about on twitter

10:30am Make more coffee and have breakfast while fucking about on twitter. Read things on Age and Australian websites, snort in disgust and tweet snarkily about shitful state of journalism in Australia.

10:45am Read through various emails from folk waiting on various works from self. Fuck about on twitter some more.

11:20am Reply to various emails, assuring folk of self’s immediate attention.

11:45am Make firm list of tasks to complete today.

11:55am Write little VBA code to calculate number of minutes required to complete list of tasks and number of minutes remaining until tasks are complete. Tweet about how clever self is.

12:30pm Lunchtime!

1:20pm Crikey email! Read Bernard Keane and nod wisely to self. Giggle at First Dog and print cartoon to pin to notice board in study.

1:50pm No room left on notice board for FD cartoon. Rearrange bits on notice board to create room

2:20pm Phone rings. Decide that talking to people is too hard and let call go through to voicemail.

2:30pm Look thoughtfully at task list and rearrange order slightly.

2:45pm Fuck about on twitter, ignore beginnings of panicky feelings as task list starts to glare at self.

2:55pm Giggle quietly at witty twitter folk, then think paranoid thoughts about twitter folk thinking self is a dickhead.

3:10pm Start first task.

3:13pm Make some more coffee. Read Drum articles. Worry about Bob Ellis and mental health issues for a bit.

3:30pm Return to first task.

3:45pm Children arrive home from school. Eat biscuits and chat with children.

4:50pm Suggest that is time for children to unstack dishwasher and take rubbish out. Listen patiently to loud explanations about how chores are SO unfair and refuse to negotiate on who has to do what and when they should have to do it.

5:20pm Chores finished, children storm of to sulkily do homework.

5:30pm Friend drops in on way home from work and looks at self’s manky dressing gown in mild surprise. Explain sulkily to friend that self has been working very hard and manky dressing gown assists concentration. Gaze at friend and wonder what to say. Friend asks how long it’s been since self has left house. Mutter about working very hard and suggest dinner next month. Friend pats self gently and leaves.

6:15pm Husband arrives home and inquires about day’s progress. Assure him that day has been terribly productive, leave last shreds of dignity on the couch and hurry off to shower and dress.

7:00pm Dinner. Chat to family.

8:30pm Require children to help clean kitchen and get ready for bed. Listen patiently as children explain how it’s SO unfair that they have to clean kitchen and that all their friends are allowed to stay up until after midnight every night.

9:15pm Watch TV and fuck about on twitter. Ignore brain’s panicked screaming about task list.

10:30pm Open task list and start working furiously.

2:05am Last item on task list: Write funny article. Start writing, giggling to self. Tweet about how hilarious self is.

2:30am Re-read article, realise is all complete shit and start again.

2:45am Decide that humour is not self’s forte; go into Google frenzy researching serious article.

4:00am Finish serious article.

4:10am Forget to set alarm again and fall into bed. Start making plans about being much more organised tomorrow but fall asleep before plans are finished.

Rinse and repeat.

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