Despite doing everything the guide books told me not to do, which meant I caught a shonky taxi and paid well over par, the drive into town from Tan Son Nat International Airport was a wonderful introduction to Ho Chi Minh City.

Unlike the drive into Bangkok (where you contemplate self immolation through a mixture of sheer frustration and the narcotic effects of two-stroke exhaust fumes) the trip into Vietnam’s largest city, otherwise known as Saigon, had me sticking my head out the window in wide-eyed wonderment.

And while the shonky taxi driver actually turned out to have better navigation skills than his Melbourne counterparts, being part of the city’s notoriously congested arterials made this routine trip an adventure in itself.

The traffic here somehow manages to flow despite the tide of motorbikes and scooters, which weave around each other and scatter from the path of unyielding larger vehicles.

Bikes often negotiate the wider boulevards 10 abreast in each direction and criss-cross in similar breadth at uncontrolled intersections like an endless, meticulously choreographed motorcycle stunt show. Adding to the spectacle are scooters carrying whole families or loads that would have trouble fitting in the back of a Ford Falcon. Despite the mayhem, everything flows because everyone is aware of what is in front and around them.

Crossing this madness is an excellent demonstration of their attentiveness. Pedestrian crossings are the safest places to cross. This might sound bleeding obvious until you realise nothing stops at pedestrian crossings unless they’re at controlled intersections – they are simply there to alert motorists to the fact that some poor sod may attempt to enter the fray on foot.

This means, as a pedestrian, all you can do is hope that everyone goes around you – though this does not apply to any vehicle with four wheels.

First rule of crossing busy Saigon thoroughfares: don’t cross in front of anything bigger than a motorbike! Second rule of crossing busy Saigon thoroughfares: walk in a slow, but steady pace and for goodness’ sake don’t stop or make any rash moves! Simply look at the traffic and walk; don’t worry, they’re looking for you, anticipating your moves and aiming for the spot you’re about to vacate.

My first attempt at playing human Frogger was across Ton Duc, a wide and busy boulevard running along the Saigon River.

It’s quite a rush to walk into moving traffic, to be enveloped by the roaring, beeping mechanical herd and emerge on the other side of the road unscathed. It’s a bit like a shit-scared snorkeller swimming through a school of sharks.

Of all the things I’ve done on my travels this is one of the most exciting that didn’t involve money, booze or Kiwi chicks.

Entertaining traffic aside, there are people everywhere in Saigon, even as the clock nears midnight. Couples, young and old, embrace by the river’s edge. You don’t often see public displays of affection in Asian cities, perhaps it’s one of the better French influences on Vietnam.

With the crowds come the people who want to sell you something: t-shirts, fake Zippos, sunglasses, rickshaw rides or two-day old Australian newspapers.

Then there’s the guys sitting on motorbikes on street corners (each guy seems to have his own spot) offering to zip you to wherever you want to go at far cheaper rates than taxis – which in Vietnam is very, very cheap. These chaps often pre-empt where you want to go, which according to them, is some place where you can indulge in carnal pleasures with supposedly beautiful women all for the not-so princely sum of US$30.

Of course a 40-something guy like me wandering alone through Saigon’s dark side streets probably fits their key demographic. I only had to walk a few steps before another chap would ask if I was after “massah” (massage), in the hope that my libido had somehow outgrown my commonsense in the 35 seconds since I refused their mate on the other corner.

Some of these guys are subtle: “Hello sir, massah for you? Nice ladies.”

Some take a clever get-to-know-you approach. “Hello sir, you from Australia? Sydney or Melbourne? Melbourne? Melbourne number one. Sydney shit. You want massah? Nice ladies.”

Others are more direct: “Hello sir, you want nice lady to fuck and suck dick?”

Like the Zippo, sunglasses and rickshaw guys, some will be a little pushy and even follow you up the street a little. The key is to remain polite and engage in some banter; it rarely gets to the stage where you feel hassled.

Occasionally an actual “nice lady” who doesn’t believe in middle men would ride up alongside on a scooter. This was pretty good for my self-esteem as more than one of them commented how “strong and handsome” I am.

It’s quite confronting, having a beautiful woman offer sex for money, although strangely enough my main concern when refusing their advances was that I might offend them.

Fortunately, there is so much more to Saigon than just seediness. Like the rest of Vietnam and unlike most large cities, it has a strong sense of community. At night people are out in the streets working, eating (always eating) and talking, whilst kids play in the grimy footpaths. A woman running a street stall will generally have a few friends or relatives to keep her company, all sitting on tiny plastic chairs sharing a laugh and more food. Everyone watches out for each other, a far cry from western society, where come nightfall we retreat to our deadlocked cocoons to entertain ourselves.

We may be economically richer than Vietnamese, but they make us look like social peasants.

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