I’ll let you in on a secret; there are some aspects of getting old I am quite looking forward to. For instance, the thought of sitting on my porch yelling ‘get off my darned lawn’ at teenagers is quite appealing. The idea of becoming a crotchety old crank warms the cockles of my heart. Then again, there are some dear friends of mine who would argue that the only thing currently missing from this equation is a cane and pair of chest high slacks. I have already ventured into the world of how ‘things were better in my day’ and how I would have succeeded in some long forgotten plan if ‘it weren’t for those meddling kids’, although it could be that this has less to do with my current age and more to do with sharp observational skills. I have even ventured bravely into the wonderful world of ‘dad jokes’ - when Eldest complained the other day of having something in his shoe I quickly shot back with ‘it’s probably a foot’. Outstanding.

Then there is the flip side, the bad things about aging. I recently explained to my children that if they ever saw me driving on the freeway at twenty kph under the speed limit they were to bludgeon me to death with the nearest blunt object. The expressions on their faces told me quite sincerely, if a little worryingly, that we definitely had a deal.

I’m not trying to be, ah, ageist? here but it’s hard to deny the truth. As we get older our bodies start to wear out and we start to lose responsiveness, in many things, driving included. I’m not going to pigeon hole anyone as, aging, like most things, affects everyone differently.

With this in mind and, as I have said before, our licensing system needs a shake up. Regular re-testing is something I would like to see and I’m sad to say that some older people may be told that driving is not for them anymore. I’m not completely heartless, if this occurs then they should absolutely be provided with discounted or even free taxi travel.

But it’s not just the elderly I want to target. Every driver is in my sights.

Jeremy Clarkson once said if you’re not interested in something it stands to reason that you’re not going to be very good at it. He went on to say that if you don’t like driving and cars, then, chances are then you not going to give driving your very best efforts.

I’d like to take this kind of thinking a step further and suggest that during the initial licence testing phase, when you’re answering questions on the touch screen, at a random times a question should pop up and must be answered within two seconds (the time frame ensuring most people answers are based on gut instinct providing more honest answers.)

The question: Are you interested in motoring and motoring vehicles? If Johnny or Jane Learner answers no or doesn’t answer it within the time frame, then…that’s it. Test over and you can’t re-apply until you convince someone in power that your views have changed. Harsh? Absolutely, but at this point I’m so sick of idiots on the road I’m willing to punish some innocents to get the message across.

Over the years there have been many calls for new drivers to be given restricted access to vehicles with high power. Usually these laws are stupid and seemingly written by idiots who don’t understand what the hell they’re talking about. This is evident from the one that was introduced some years ago which meant that a teenager isn’t allowed to drive a Mercedes-Benz C-200 Kompressor but has no (legal) problems with a Honda S2000.

This is madness. The Honda S2000 is perhaps one of the greatest sports cars ever made. It has a naturally aspirated 2.0 litre engine and because of this a brand new P-plater can jump straight in and go for a drive, despite the fact that this engine propels this car towards the horizon at about the same speed as the winds of Cyclone Yasi. The Mercedes on the other hand has a low-level supercharger so it’s off limits to P-platers. This is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard; the Mercedes can hardly be defined as a performance motor vehicle.

What I’d like to propose is this: when a new vehicle comes onto the market, its power to weight ratio is measured and given a star rating. Power to weight is the one attribute that determines how fast a car can accelerate and how fast it will eventually go. A new Lamborghini Gallardo should probably be a five star car, whereas the new Kia Rio would safely be considered a one star car. Then we simply limit new P-Platers to two star cars until they reach their majority and can prove they know how to handle something more.

Ah, I hear you say what about when ‘Stavros from the block’ puts on a set of twenty inch rims and an exhaust big enough to put your head in? Well, in this case once the modification work is done, Stavros must take the car to an official mechanic and put the car on the scales and the ‘dyno’ and see if it changes what rating the car should be. All of this must be done at the owner’s expense. Is it perfect? No. But it sure as hell simplifies the current system.

So that takes care of the cars but what about the drivers? Well, I have thought of that as well. Once a driver has finished with their P-Plates they are eligible to take the driver level test, or whatever you want to call it. This will be a test set up, probably by CAMS, to evaluate the driver and their capabilities and then given a star rating. See where I’m going with this? You can only drive a car with the same, or lower, rating as your licence, if you’re caught driving something other than what you’re qualified for, you’re fined and you lose your licence for, oh I don’t know, a year.

Again, perfect? No. But it’s simple and shouldn’t take anyone an overly long time to understand it. If it does, well, you probably don’t deserve a licence and can go to hell. I make no apologies for any of this. It will make getting a licence more expensive and a lot more difficult, which is the point.

There is another advantage to making it difficult to obtain a licence, people may have to study for it. People may actually learn to drive. They may also learn the pleasure one can get from driving properly and taking pride in what they are doing. It may also lead to more courteous behaviour and it should lead to a lower road toll, which is sort of important as well. Don’t you think?

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