Tony Abbott has a penis. Penis penis penis penis penis. The penis can sometimes be seen in a pair of red speedos, and quite often its outline, along with his scrotum, in his bike pants as well. Penis penis penis. Scrotum scrotum scrotum.

There, that should’ve scared all the Family First voters away, let’s now talk about Julia Gillard’s birth canal.

Okay, let’s not.

4 Corners on Monday 15th February was gut-wrenching television, one of the best, if most harrowing, 45 minutes I’ve ever seen.

It outlined the pathetic, shameful lack of support for people with a profound disability and their carers. There are thousands of families that go through the desperation and love and heartache shown so clearly on 4 Corners that night.

NotBarnabyJoyce

I’m very grateful to all the commenters on my blog, yes I am, goodness me look at all this DEBT did you know the Chinese are going to come in and repossess Australia, I mean we shouldn’t have been selling bits of BHP and stuff to the Chinese, it should have been sold to nice Australians like Rupert Murdoch and those South African guys and Oh My God, look at all this DEBT!

‘The thing is,’ says Oscar, draining his coffee, ‘is that the British one pound coin is very thick, and around the edge it has something written in Latin.’

‘Right,’ I say.

‘Or Welsh.’ He orders another latte. ‘One of those two. Which is the one with lots of “w”s?’

Hey, wow!! It's a damn good thing we got hold of her before this happened. The NDM just won the Best Australian or New Zealand Weblog category of the 2010 bloggies. Congrats NDM, it's well deserved! - Eds

*                  *                  *
Let’s get this straight: Telstra came to me. I did not go to Telstra.

I was simply minding my own business when a cheerful Telstra representative gave me a courtesy call informing me that my mobile phone contract was up for renewal.

“Would you like a new phone? Look! Shiny-shiny!”, he said, trying to lure me into another two year contract.

So, everyone familiar with the Tribune will notice that we are now printing in colour. Doesn’t it look lovely? Notice the colour artwork people, appreciate it, maybe even sniff it a little bit, all that colour is made of blood, tears and cussing.

I have recently come to the conclusion that having too many options can be a bad thing.

As I sit here, a blustery and rainy Melbourne day thrashing about outside, I am pondering the myriad possibilities available to me, and to my nearest and dearest.

Well we survived the Christmas dinner with my appalling in-laws. Just after we’d finished making jokes about how much fun it was going to be doing it next year with my appalling family, we started packing.

Every year we celebrate the proud tradition of stuffing too much shit in the car, then screaming at the kids for two hours so we can enjoy screaming at them for a week in the holiday house, and at the beach, and in the supermarket, and in the take-away places that have new ownership since last Christmas holidays and therefore will let us in.

As I was writing my hastily constructed diatribe on Snowtown on the night of last months deadline, three things occurred to me. Firstly, the best writing you ever do is unlikely to coincide with the shortest amount of time you’ve ever given yourself to finish it.

Secondly, writing about travelly type stuff is quite fun, and the Tribune has never really had a regular column on the subject.

As a self confessed car enthusiast I try to get my hands on all sorts of car based literature, the better to keep up with recent vehicular releases. As such, amongst other publications, I always buy the Friday Herald-Sun for its Cars Guide. I like the Cars Guide editor, Paul Gover. I’ve never actually met the man, but he writes from his motorist soul and usually makes a great deal of sense. I don’t agree with everything he’s written but I’m sure that doesn’t bother him in the slightest.

Contemplating Marriage? Work out if you’re better off sticking your family’s fortune into Tony Abbott’s speedos by taking our his’n her’s questionnaire. Complete with an evaluation system that gives the skilled migrants visa points system a run for its money.

All Australians know Eric Bana as a Hollywood darling come from the streets of Tullamarine in Victoria. What most probably don’t know is that Bana has a hobby. As often as he can Eric pilots his Porsche 911 GT3 in the Australian GT3 Championship. Eric also still owns the first car he ever purchased, a Ford XB Falcon coupe, nicknamed ‘The Beast’.

Since time immemorial, man has been barbecuing his meat over the flames and coals of a fire, with varying degrees of culinary and aesthetic success. Today’s avid outdoor cook gets to choose from wood, charcoal and gas fuel, all of which essentially provide a heat source under a grill.

Whether or not you believe in climate change, many people (including winemakers and viticulturists) whose livelihood directly relies on Mother Nature have to, at a minimum, hedge their bets in some way, shape or form.

Tour De France. Grand Prix. World Cup. World Cup Bid. St Kilda. Demetriou. Collingwood. There’re my yells for this year. Any suggestions for alternative, or even alternate, yells, will be appreciated.

* * * * *