My dear mother used to say: don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. And I’ve tried to follow that advice in everything I do. Of course, when I think of my mother, I automatically think of pornography, and not just because of my breastfeeding fetish.

Some people don’t like pornography. Now, before you cry out, “They’re witches! Burn them!” let’s cut them some slack. There are many reasons a person might be weird enough to not like pornography. For example, that person may be suffering from nervous hysteria and just need a good finger massage or fire-hose-induced orgasm to set things right. Not that I am advocating that members of the public immediately go out and begin aiming hoses at anti-porn campaigners’ crotches – let’s leave that to the professionals. My point is, we shouldn’t assume that just because someone devotes their life to telling grown men and women what they should and shouldn’t be allowed to watch and trying to turn sex into a joyless, shameful experience for all, that means they must be hateful granite-faced pleasure-vampires whose only satisfaction in life is that brought about by denying enjoyment to others. I would never say that. I’m sure porn-haters are lovely people, who just need a bit of gentle education.

Because you see, I really think if people knew a bit more about porn, they’d change their tune. I think they’re knocking it before they’ve tried it. And this is a mistake. Nobody should ever claim to dislike pizza without eating at least one slice. Nobody should ever condemn murder unless they’ve killed a tramp or two to get a feel for it. And nobody should ever, ever claim that porn is destroying civilisation without, at least once, sitting naked on the couch and putting their tenders through their paces while watching a very unconventional job interview.

I’m just not sure that those who object to porn realise how great it is. Because guys, it’s really pretty great. The failure to understand how great it is, I think, stems mainly from a lack of understanding. That’s nothing new – the first Iraq War started in much the same way. But it is our job as citizen journalists to promote understanding and fight against ignorance, so I take it upon myself to inform the anti-porn army of the REAL FACTS about pornography.

Firstly, did you know that pornographic movies have people having sex in them? I know, this comes as quite a shock to a lot of people when they first find this out. But yeah, actual people, having actual sex. FOR REAL. Not like in normal movies, either, where people sort of gingerly rub up against each other and the women won’t take off their bras. In porn, women totally take off their bras! Bet you didn’t know that! Porn not sounding so awful now, is it? I mean, there are two kinds of people in this world: those who like watching people having sex, and those who say they don’t but are lying.

So OK, you might be saying, oh well, sure, porn has people having sex, but so what? I can see people having sex anytime I want to, just by looking at my ceiling-mirror, or drilling a discreet hole in my neighbour’s bedroom wall. Why should I go to the time and expense of getting an internet connection or purchasing a variety of affordable DVDs over the phone, just to see what I see anyway during my nightly rounds of the retirement village?

But see, that’s the point, and what people who want to put an end to porn don’t realise. With porn you don’t have to just watch regular sex. It’s not like spying on your parents; unless your parents are really awesome at sex. Because with porn, you get the whole cornucopia of human sexuality and acrobatics. You get to see people having sex in cars, on boats, on ergonomic office chairs. They do it standing up, or standing on their heads, or even – prepare for your mind to be blown – on a table. That’s right – tables are not just for breakfast anymore – they are settings for the sacred act of physical love.

Even better – and bear with me this’ll sound kind of weird – not all the sex in porn even involves a man and a woman. I know, I couldn’t believe it when I heard either, but it’s true – I saw this video where people had sex, and BOTH of them were women! And there was this other one where BOTH of them were men! And another one where one was a woman, but the other six were men, and also there was an oil-can and some tyres. See, porn opens our minds – it’s like a Lonely Planet Guide for the genitals, sending us on journeys through the many lands of sexuality, and whether it’s a man and a woman, two women and one man, eight women and three men, or four women, six men and a honey badger, it can show us things we never dreamed were possible, in a very literal and anatomical sense.

And I feel sure that if only more people could see this, the way porn informs, and educates, and excites, and brings families together – who doesn’t have warm memories of the family gathering around the telly of an evening for a good old porn-a-long? – they would stop their silly campaign to rid the world of porn, and move onto something more constructive, like scrapbooking or heroin.

So please, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Don’t rail against porn until you’ve at least whacked on a copy of Sex Trek III: The Next Penetration, and seen just how much it enhances a half-hour’s vigorous bean-flicking. Don’t try to stop our honest enjoyment until you’ve proven yourself open-minded enough to spread-eagle yourself in front of Screw My Wife Please #58. Don’t try to restrain the beautiful variety of human sexuality, is what I’m saying, until you’ve at least rubbed yourself raw over this week’s Bang Bus. Who knows, you might like it! You might find it opens up a whole new world inside yourself! You might find yourself watching porn day after day, obsessively plucking the strings of your own delicate lady-banjo, unable to focus on anything but your own wondrous, porn-produced pleasure. You might even find yourself motivated, as so many happy Australians do, to produce your own home-made porn to share with the world. Nothing too weird, just some tasteful, Christian-themed shenanigans revolving around radical feminists on a rock-climbing holiday, something like that.

But my point is just this: give porn a chance. It’ll give you a chance, if you let it. Take a deep breath and dive in vagina-first. Let’s make this a happier, sexier world for all.

—

Ben has not one but TWO hilarious books out now: Surveying the Wreckage and Superchef. Ben writes for the A2 section of The Age on Saturdays and intermittently for New Matilda and Crikey. You should read his stuff before he turns into Eddie Mcquire. He blogs www.benpobjie.blogspot.com and tweets @benpobjie but he doesn’t do it very well.

+ 240

+ 721