I often think to myself “Jeez the world would be so much better if I could just behead everyone who irritates me or disagrees with me.” Unfortunately that’s a bit difficult to do as I don’t command the Mongol hordes right now. They’re working in the film and television industry, hacking and reducing to ash anything resembling creativity or talent. Which will be interesting once they get around to squaring off with the lads from Sons Of Anarchy.

Out in the real world where I’m not a media mogul, I’m currently sitting on a Working Party re-writing a piece of legislation, and when you look at the limited sanctions available for all the bits of dickheadedness that humans can get up to, you find yourself longing for something a little simpler.

With that in mind, I hereby announce my candidacy, and ask you to vote for me at the next state election. My platform is simple: I will pass into law The Dickhead And Fuckwit Act (DAFA), an Act of Parliament so simple and so perfect in its simplicity that it will cover just about everything dickheadish thing that humans can do.

Being only semi-omniscient I admit that I may not have explored every possibility, so in true politician style, I will open this up to consultation. In contrast to real politicians however, the consultation will come before the decision is made and announced.

I’m throwing the floor open as of now for suggestions of particular examples of Dickhead and/or Fuckwit behaviour that need their own offence sections, with suggested punishments.

Now, regarding punishment: I am not a Herald Sun reader, so there will absolutely not be any mandatory sentencing provisions within the DAFA. I firmly believe in the independence of the judiciary, and I also believe in the ability of most of them to be able to sentence appropriately with regard to all the circumstances of each individual offender and offence.

When the prosecutor reads out the Summary Of Offence upon a plea of Guilty, the Magistrate (these are all Summary Offences) will be entitled to ask “Senior, would you describe this level of offending as Kind Of Irritating as defined in Section Four, or does the accused, through his actions, demonstrate a more serious level of Dickheadedness?” and the prosecutor will reply “Your Honour, this person is on a downward spiral. From the count of Wearing A Hey Hey Its Saturday T-Shirt In A Public Place back in 2009, he’s stepped up to Talking During a Movie, within weeks of being before this court for Trying To Be Funny At A Booze Bus. This offence falls well beyond the reach of Section 4, and with his priors I submit that he’s at the highest level of Dickhead, and is at great risk of finding himself before the court, the next time around, as an Complet Fuckstick.”

Sentencing options will be wide-ranging, and subject to amendment as, for example, the recordings of Russell Gilbert reading Catherine Deveny’s work wear out, and Lleyton Hewitt goes senile and is no longer offensive enough for his company to constitute punishment.

Corporal punishment will be limited to being belted over the head with a Trevally or other large fish, and Community Service requirements will only ever incorporate sitting the fuck down and shutting the fuck up.So there’s a few ideas to get you started on your submissions, and I ask you to consider nominating yourself for a seat on the committee to formulate the final draft legislation to be presented to my Cabinet. Jane and the Whippets will be looking for rigorous research and preparation, so I can’t just select any old hacks. This isn’t Australia 2020, you know. I’ll need people with a proven track record of spotting dickheads, so unless you work for the casting agents responsible for Survivor, Big Brother or The Amazing Race, you’ll be pushing shit uphill. Those for whom dickheads represent the vast majority of the workday will be well-regarded in the application process: Strippers, Police, the comment-moderator on Andrew Bolt’s blog, and Daryl Somers’ PA are virtually guaranteed a seat at the table.

Get thinking, folks, and if no dickhead behaviours spring to mind instantly, just go to the tennis.

+ 3

+ 3