Mornings…similar to what they were before I had children, in that I am still frequently late for work, but different in that the excuses are far more complicated…

Me: *lying in bed, firmly sleeping through the alarm again*

Bella: *Dancing up and down next to my bed clutching her bottom, mouthing silent howls of despair and looking very much like a frog with digestive problems (my Bella is the most adorable person in the entire history of adorable persons, but she’s got very long thin arms and legs, long thin hands and feet, huge eyes and a wide mouth and, without trying very hard at all, she can look a lot like a frog)*

Me: Mmfphxxlt

Bella: Muuuuuummmm!! You’ve got to get up!! You’ve got to get up NOW!! I really really need to do a poo and Luke won’t come out of the toilet.

Me: *stupefaction*

Bella: *tearfully clutching bottom even more firmly* Muuuuummmmm!! Pleeeease!!

Me: *fall out of bed and fumble around for dressing gown*

Bella: *frantic frog-like dancing* Hurry Mum, it’s going to come OUT!!!!

Me & Bella: *gallop down the hallway to the toilet*

Bella: Luuuuuke!! Mum’s here, you’ve got to come out NOW!

Luke: *muffled voice from behind locked toilet door* Go away Bella, I’m READING!

Me: Luke, what are you doing?

Luke: *disgusted and outraged tones* Well, what do you think I’m doing mum? Make Bella go away, I can’t concentrate with her yapping like that.

Dogs: *bound in the back door and joyfully join Bella in frog-like dancing*

Bella: *louder wailing*

Me: Luke, you can’t stay in there all morning, can’t you hurry up a bit?

Luke: NO!!!

Dogs: *excited barking*

Justin: *strides down the hall, clad in dressing gown and ugg boots, newspaper tucked under one arm, pen clutched firmly in hand* What the FUCK is going on????

Bella: *hysterical wailing*

Dogs: *dismember a cushion on floor*

Me: *deep breath* Luke, please hurry up, we seem to have a bit of a queuing problem here.

Luke: *furious* FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! Can’t you just make her go and crap outside??? I’m BUSY!!!

Me: *gaze out at rain pouring down outside and wonder if that would work, glance hopefully at Justin*

Justin: Don’t be bloody ridiculous, I can’t do the crossword in the rain *picks up a book and hurls it at the dogs, who pounce on book and start tearing it to bits*

Bella: It’s coming out, it's coming out NOW!!!!!

Justin: *incomprehensible noises, reminiscent of a costive chimpanzee*

Me: *leans against wall, trying to work out if there is enough housekeeping money left for a one-way ticket to Nepal*

Bella: *high pitched wailing and frantic dancing*

Justin: Fucking dogs!! That’s my book!! *lunges at dogs and smacks head on ironing board*

Bella: *pauses in dancing, eyes open wider* Mummy, Justin said bad words again.

Justin: FHGJTN!!!! Luke HURRY UP!! *more pounding on door*

Luke: Oh my GOD *loud crashing and flushing noises then Luke emerges from the toilet* I’m moving out, this family is fricken unbelievable!!! *storms off to bedroom and climbs back into bed*

Bella: *dashes into toilet and slams door*

Justin: *bangs loudly on the door* Bella, hurry UP!!! *picks up stuffed toy from floor and hurls it at dogs*

Me: You could give her a minute couldn’t you?

Justin: *shifting uncomfortably (beginning of frog-like dance?)* NO I bloody can’t!! *more banging on the door*

Dogs: *joyfully dismember soft toy*

Bella: *tearful* I’m going as fast as I CAN.

Me: *glancing at watch* Umm, we’re late again, could everyone start getting ready for school now?

Bella: *more wailing*

Luke: Be quite all of you, I’m trying to SLEEP.

Me: *give up and go back to bed until they’ve all sorted themselves out*

*Two hours later*:

Bossman: *disapproving look* You’re late again, what happened this time?

Me: Umm…

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