Welcome to 2010.

An interesting thing about this year is that it’s going to present several palindromic days, such as 01/2/10. Perhaps, for want of anything better to do, you could go through the calendar and circle the next few, and then hold a series of Palindromic Day Parties. Or perhaps you could stick your head in the microwave at work and lick out all the food splatters.

Either of those two activities could not, however, compare for fun and usefulness to devouring this issue of the Tribune, and, since we’re into long-term planning, the next ten issues as well. That’s right, folks, from now on The King’s Tribune comes with an iron-clad, rock-solid guarantee: it will be more fun than licking week-old food scraps from the inside of a microwave, or your money back!

What awaits us this year, Tribune-wise? Well, as you can probably see, we’ve gone colour, which fulfils yet another promise from us to you (do we ever stop giving?), and you’ll also note the incredibly useful and brilliantly laid-out centrefold liftout Port Phillip Gig Guide, designed especially to be blue-tacked to your toilet wall or magnetted to your fridge, right alongside the Astor Calendar.

If you know or own a venue in Port Phillip with any kind of entertainment that doesn’t appear on the Gig Guide, get in touch ( This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ) and, for incredibly reasonable rates, it can take its place alongside the other holies of our locale, ensuring the continued success of both your venue, and our glorious Tribune.

So, other than licking microwaves, what’s been on our minds lately?

Well, you’ve probably heard enough about us so let’s have a look at what laughingly calls itself the rest of the world.

As we sit spitting out this rant, we’ve just been made aware of Senator Fielding’s views on the Detention Centre on Christmas Island. If your stomach is strong enough take a look at the press release on his website (www.stevefielding.com.au).

He thinks things look pretty good over there, with all the wealthy immigrants and new computers. He shows the depth of his knowledge by making claims that would embarrass Pauline Hanson, as far as there actually being a “queue” of some kind for refugees, and a three month instant citizenship and golden handshake, and Oh My God this man must GO before he starts walking around with graphs showing how rich all these queue-jumpers are and how many of them are terrorists.

Top of our To Do List for 2010 is to get rid of this stupid turd. He is a pimple on the arse of what is an already embarrassing enough Parliament. Fielding Must Go. Fielding Must Go. Take it to the streets, people, let the ALP and the coalition know that they MUST join forces and get him out of the Senate!!!

You can go to his website at http://stevefielding.com.au/contact/ and send him a message. Here’s one we prepared earlier, and we invite you to cut and paste it.

Dear Steve,

Your statements re Christmas Island and asylum seekers in general make Pauline Hanson look well-informed. Before you launch into yet another self-promoting LookAtMe exercise, do some research, read some books, talk to some people who actually know something, and THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!.

Every time you embark on a publicity stunt, you look more and more stupid, and you really should remember that you’re not in the Senate because a lot of people voted for you, you’re there because the ALP did a preference deal to keep a Green candidate out.

Your performance over the past couple of years has proven that you are nothing but an attention-seeking fool, and you are standing in the way of effective government, regardless of policy or position.

The government AND the opposition know this, and they will not allow your idiocy to continue for another term.

But I still must say Thank You; you demonstrate so well that one must be both congenitally stupid and wilfully ignorant in order to hold conservative christian values, thus ensuring that otherwise intelligent young people wont be drawn into your strange little world.

Goodbye.

Of course, he has difficulty with big words, and he’s well-known for not being able to understand things like, stuff, so it’s a largely pointless exercise. But Gee it feels good.

Anyone been watching the tennis? Not us, nor cricket neither. Gonna be a huge year in sport this year anyway, what with the World Cup, another TDF for Justin to drool over, and, of course, our beloved People’s Celebration Of Glorious AFL.

Politics will continue, Fielding aside, to be an absolute cack-fest, as the Mad Monk continues to spin his un-spun “straight talker” image, (which was absolutely not designed by his spin doctors) tailoring his message according to his audience, be it the 7.30 Report or the Women’s Weekly. He deserves some credit for smuggling Ritalin into his front bench’s drinking water though, as they seem to have recovered from the sudden attack of Tourette’s that overtook them a week into the job.

Mr Programmatic Specificity Balloon Head and the Ginger Space Vixen are no doubt spending long sessions with their How To Say Nothing In Lots Of Words motivational tapes, to get in readiness for the political year to come. Unfortunately Julia’s uterus is getting more attention than anything that actually matters, but, well, that’s politics in this Wide Brown Land.

Apple released the iPad. Lots of people are excited. Get back to us in twelve months if you’re reading this on one, then we’ll get excited too.

Love to those who love us, Christmas lunch at the Fieldings’ for those who don’t.

J & J Shaw

Editors

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