Hey, wow!! It's a damn good thing we got hold of her before this happened. The NDM just won the Best Australian or New Zealand Weblog category of the 2010 bloggies. Congrats NDM, it's well deserved! - Eds

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Let’s get this straight: Telstra came to me. I did not go to Telstra.

I was simply minding my own business when a cheerful Telstra representative gave me a courtesy call informing me that my mobile phone contract was up for renewal.

“Would you like a new phone? Look! Shiny-shiny!”, he said, trying to lure me into another two year contract.

However, he was not to know that the last “shiny-shiny” phone Telstra sold me got pissed on by a Dora The Explorer drink bottle full of lemon cordial. Yes, that golden shower brought about its untimely end only two months into a new contract and I’d ended up having to replace it with the cheapest phone I could find.

And so I was not going to fall for that “shiny-shiny” trick again. Me and my electronic house-brick were very happy together, thank you very much. But not being entirely impervious to the charms of salesmen (see “Business At The Door“), I did find myself agreeing to move to a Member’s Plan.

“Is there a secret handshake?” I asked, eagerly. The salesman thought I was joking but I wasn’t. It turns out there wasn’t a secret handshake, nor a member’s card, member’s badge or member’s clubhouse. Still, the word “Member” was in my new plan and that had to mean something, right?

Right. It meant I was charged a $30 fee on my next bill for “early termination of contract”.

“B-b-but!” I spluttered when I saw the charge. Nobody told me I was breaking my current contract to become a Member. Nobody told me I’d be penalised. They came to me, remember? They. Came. To. Me.

Now, it’s funny how the first time you ring Telstra with a complaint, the female voice on their automated system has that back-of-the-throat barely-suppressed-mirth quality used a lot in tampon advertising. And then the more calls you have to make with the same complaint, the more sinister the voice becomes, to the point you feel it’s openly mocking you and/or planning to shit on your doorstep next time it’s in your neighbourhood.

At least, this was my experience. You see, I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone to Customer Service over the past three months. And I’ve now been charged that $30 fee a grand total of three times. Each time I’ve rung to get it removed, it’s reappeared on the next bill, like The Terminator, emerging unscathed from the slow burning wreckage of my relationship with Telstra.

So you can imagine my delight, when twenty minutes into Phone call #4, the customer rep said: “So, while we’re waiting for the system to update, may I ask… Are you happy with your Member’s Plan?”

“Oh, ecstatic!” I said, somewhat sarcastically. Now I knew for certain that there was a secret Telstra handshake – but it was just a case of Telstra shaking itself in secret. If you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, it’s all too late for Telstra to salvage our relationship. Of that, I’m certain.

However, I’d like it to be known for the record that I’m very happy to entertain overtures from Optus – if they’re happy to throw in a free iPhone with a waterproof case, that is.

You know, just sayin’…

The Not Drowning Mother’s blog was nominated the 2010 Weblogs Awards and WON!!!  Deservedly so too! We strongly recommend that next time you are bored at work you check out her blog  www.notdrowning.wordpress.com

You should follow her on twitter too: @theNDM she’s quite witty and not the least bit annoying.

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