Over the last century women in western nations fought a long angry war of independence. We fought for all legal, political, economic, sexual and social equality denied to us since the first apes climbed down from the trees and started walking about on two legs. Many people may disagree with me, but I think the war is over, I think we won.

We didn’t end up living male lives, but then again we didn’t ever ask to be men with vaginas, we just wanted access to the same choices that men had – and we’ve got them. Hurray for us. To the victor the spoils and a ticker tape parade; but, now that the war is over, we need to stop fighting a battle that has already been won and start thinking about how we’re all going to live in peace time, because, in the words of one of the great thinkers of the 20th century, "if there's war between the sexes then there'll be no people left.

And so it goes.

Go round again.

And now and then we wonder who the real men are…”

Sorry, got lost in an 80s moment there for a minute, back to the rant:

For the first time in history it is illegal to beat or abuse women, we can vote, own property, divorce, be educated, wear what we want, travel, take any job and insist on being paid equally. We have full equality before the law, and we have the same ability to choose our path that men do. And I know there are going to be a whole lotta women out there jumping up and down saying I’m wrong, we don’t have equal pay, and what about the fact that 80% of CEOs are men, and women haven’t won until we have paid maternity leave (pah! – but I’ll come back to that). But the truth is that we do have equal pay, we just make different choices. Men choose to work full time, work in mines, collect garbage, fight their way through surgical rotations and work nightshift at greater rates than women do. This is not because women are discriminated against; it’s just that women choose to do other, usually less risky things. And by the way, if a woman does choose to go and work in a mine she can, and she will be paid exactly the same as the guy working next to her.

Men are more likely to get ahead in the corporate world, not because women are being discriminated against, but because men are more willing to push themselves forward, and insist on being promoted than women are. We should certainly encourage our daughters and friends to be more confident and assertive, I’m all for that, but let’s stop crying victim and whining about poor us, and start taking control of all those choices we now have access to.

And as for paid maternity leave, again I say pah! It’s sexist, elitist, socially irresponsible, middle class welfare and it makes me crazy when all those politically correct dogs bum mouth types start talking about it as if it is the last bastion of male domination. How is it a blow for feminism to say that if a couple choose to have a baby, the mother should stay home for 5 months and the father is only allowed two weeks? Because it’s the woman’s job to stay home and look after the babies? Because only women really need to bond with a baby? Because it’s far more important for a man to get back to work than it is for a woman? Why do we call it maternity leave not parental leave? Because it’s women’s work to look after babies, and if that’s not text book sexism then I don’t know what is.

If a man did decide to take a year off to look after his children, he knows damn well that he is not going to be able to return to the same chances of promotion that the man in the next office who was there the whole time would have. He knows that if he has to leave early 3 days a week, refuses to travel and takes school holiday leave and sick leave and school play leave, that the guy in the next office who doesn’t do any of those things is going to get promoted quicker and get paid more. He knows that is the price he pays for the choices he makes, so why do we say that women are not equally capable of taking responsibility for our actions? Are we so weak, so helpless, so in need of coddling and special treatment that we can’t say this is the choice I made, and I do not need to be protected from the consequences of my actions? Or, if I find that I don’t like the consequences, then I have the right and ability to make a different choice? Bollocks! Of course we are! Stand up and take your hits like a woman!

And by the way, can I just point out that the last thing the world needs is more bloody people! We haven’t got enough space, food, fuel or iphones for all the people we’ve got now. If we truly wanted socially responsible government payouts then let’s offer $5000 and a free holiday to everyone who doesn’t have a baby. Go another 10 years without reproducing and you get a gold watch. If we actually need more folk to learn how to fix our plumbing or remove our gall bladders then we can ship ‘em in from Bangladesh or Africa, they’ve got plenty of spares. Pah! again to paid maternity leave!

By the way, before anyone starts accusing me of misogyny, let me just skewer that one with a spear. I am the daughter of a single mother who was there on the front lines during the 70s, crashing through the glass ceilings without the cushions of a welfare system or legalized equality to support her. I am immensely proud of her achievements, all the more so because what she won for me was the right and ability to make different choices. By the time I was a single mother myself the world was a different place and unmarried women were not left to drown on their own. We all owe a great debt to women like my mother and, dare I say it, Germaine Greer (who, thank god, is nothing like my mother). I am glad they did what they did and allowed me to have all those choices.

Quit school or stay to the end? Date this boy, that boy, that girl or no one? Sleep with him or not? Mini skirt or track pants? Wax everything or completely natural? Long hair, blond hair or crew cut? University or Europe? Contraceptive or not? Take that job or this one? Go back to university or not? Arts or engineering? Politics or home economics? Finish the degree or drop out? Gym or couch? Change jobs or stay where I am? Take that promotion or not? Stay single or not? Marry him, live with him or leave him? Terminate the pregnancy or continue to term? Stay home with the kids or go back to work? Stay with their father or leave? Take the corporate high flyer job or the part time consultancy in the suburbs? Take a week off in the school holidays or stay at work and finish that tender? My choices are endless and I am proud of what I achieved with the good ones and what I learned from the bad ones. Back off and stop trying to take that away from me just because I’m a woman.

The war is over ladies, let’s lay down our arms and all go celebrate with a beer. And you know what? We don’t have to sit in the ladies lounge when we do it.

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