It wasn’t until about eight hours after the urgent email from our editors reminding me about my lack of submission that I finally had a brain wave about what I could possibly write in relation to children.

As I said in the reply email, ‘I don’t have children, I don’t like children and I don’t want children. What on earth could I have to say on the topic?’

I didn’t even have some completely off-topic rant in mind because I haven’t had time lately to seek out things that piss me off ,so I was almost at a point of apologising for my absence from this issue and waiting with baited breath for next month’s topic......then the inspiration struck!

After sending the email relating the above sentiments I went back to my Internet haven, Facebook, to see what has been happening in the lives of all of my friends in other parts of the world and I was accosted by an assortment of Wall posts from friends of their latest baby pictures.

I thought I was getting laid a bit but, my God! They’re breeding like rabbits in Queensland!

I don’t mind what you think of me or if you call me nasty names or if you think I’m a right royal COLLINGWOOD supporter BUT I COULDN’T CARE LESS WHAT YOUR NEW CABBAGE LOOKS LIKE!!!!!!

And that goes for two, three, eight, eleven, fifteen and twenty months photos along the fucking line too!

Think of me and my intolerance what you will, but I have a motive behind my venom. I couldn’t really care less if people share pictures of their new carbon consumers, but I do have a problem with them posting pictures of them on my allegedly adult social networking site that I use to waste time, play Scrabble and keep in touch with my friends in other parts of our planet.

We should have somebody create internet sites solely for parents of new born cabbages, two month old gorgeous non walkers, six month old darling poo machines and the rest of the designations I don’t have time to come up with.

Let’s have a plethora of websites for the inundation of doting Gen X mums that now spew forth multitudes of random crap to all their old high school, primary school, drunken nightclub, new-mum-golf-morning-tea-shopping-in-Toorak-friends, let’s give them a portal! Let’s give these dozy, doting parents of the next generation to ruin the planet a place online to congregate so that they will, once and for all, keep out of mine!

GIVE ME BACK FACEBOOK YOU BORED DOZY COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or if not play Scrabble with me!

Joyce Lovejoy always wants us to “Think about the children!!!”’ I’ve got my own alternate cry, “Think about the Vodka!”

I don’t have any children! Why should I think about something that doesn’t exist in my reality? Yes it may exist in the life of many readers of this or in the life of your friends, neighbours or relatives.....BUT WHY does it have to impinge or inhibit my life if I do no harm or inconvenience on yours?

Bugger off and leave me in my happy peaceful vodka and scrabble world, it’s nice here, anyone who annoys me can be told to leave and take their mess, their stupid hair and their bad smells with them!

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