Well Jeff Kennett’s done what everyone expected him to do, and delivered an almighty middle finger to the AFL.

Much as I dislike the man, the only thing I can say is “Go, Jeff, give ‘em another one.”

Yet another victim of the AFL’s Stalinist information and freedom of speech policies, Jeff found himself faced with the prospect of spending three hours at Umpire camp, or forking out 5 big ones as penance for speaking a few facts.

Now, speaking of facts, as opposed to the serial misquoting and hysteria that passes for journalism in both our dailies, I need to point out a few (facts, that is) regarding what Jeff’s letter actually said, as opposed to how the AFL and most journalists interpreted it.

I’m quoting from Jeff’s letter of response to his sanction by the AFL. Read it in full, it’s worth the time.

At no time did he criticise an individual umpire, or a particular decision. At no time did he say umpires in general were no good at their jobs. At no time did he accuse the umpires of thinking themselves bigger than the game.

He did say that there are often bad decisions made by umpires, but this is, more often than not, due to constant rule changes.

He did say, in a nutshell, that umpires aren’t allowed to do their job as well as they can, because of a number of patently stupid AFL policies.

He did say that quite often umpires become bigger than the game, but it’s the league’s fault as much as the occasional too-pushy official.

His biggest complaint seemed to be the miking of umpires, and the fact that the AFL are now saying it’s out of their hands, the broadcasters want it, so please don’t talk about it anymore.

On the one hand, miking up the umps is a good idea. Hearing an umpire actually say to a player “Sorry, Troyden, you had a hold of his jumper, that’s a free. Don’t talk back, it’s a free, get on the mark you’ve got five seconds, righto, that’s FIFTY” gives the viewer at home some idea of why a decision was made. It’s also taken from us the ability to stand up and scream at the TV “What the fuck was that for, dickhead?”, but when you’ve got kids who don’t really need any more tutoring in profanity and a wife who doesn’t like sport at all, this is probably A Good Thing.

However, the downside of miked umpires is that their every decision is now open to even more scrutiny than before – commentators and fans alike no longer have to guess at why he awarded a free, he’s told us, and we, with the benefit of a replay, are able to say “well he was clearly wrong”. This does not help the AFL’s worthy aim of increasing respect for umpires.

The other downside of the miking is that we now have to put up with the umps’ running commentary, and their annoying habit of calling the players by their first names.

Add to this the fact that there’s at least one significant new rule every season, and there are regular seminars on the interpretation of particular rules, as well as an obvious knee-jerk response to high-profile incidents or reports, or indeed a clearly wrong decision being made up for later in the same game.

The umpires simply cannot do their job to the best of their significant abilities, because the goal-posts not only keep moving, but their location is kept secret from everyone.

Umpires are subject to more scrutiny than ever before, but no meaningful commentary.

Jeff hasn’t been sanctioned for criticising the umpires, despite that being the official reason. He’s been sanctioned for criticising the AFL. All he was trying to say is that umpiring is a hard job, and the AFL are making it harder.

With this in mind, even though it’s only May, there’s one award I have to hand out right now.

The 2009 “Stop Telling Everyone The Docklands Surface Is Dangerous Or We’ll Cancel Your Media Pass” Award for blatant, consistent, hysterical truth-denial and messenger shooting goes to Demetriou and Anderson.

Before I conclude, can I just point a big, dirty accusatory finger at the sports media for their handling of this story. Several articles have reproduced chunks of Jeff’s letter, and continue to misquote it, despite it being right there, on the same page as they’re typing, less than a paragraph away.

I say again, at no time did he criticise the umpires, or an individual umpire. He criticised the way the AFL handle umpires, and the fact that the AFL have made it impossible for the umpires to do their job properly.

This is either too hard to comprehend, or for some reason is not as sexy a story as “Kennett Bags Umps”. Or, like most of the lickspittles in the Canberra press gallery, Melbourne footy journos have evolved into press-release regurgitators for the powers that be.

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Grant Thomas’ tenure as St Kilda coach was kind of weird. He mixed little bits of lunacy borrowed from the likes of Sheedy and Blight, added in a bit of slightly creepy scout leader taking his young charges to the movies instead of yelling at them, and topped it off with the management style of the efficiency expert guys from Office Space. All of which, in my opinion, added up to shit, and five years appalling waste of the most talented young list seen in years.

So it made me laugh when he accused Josh Fraser of Dogging It against Essendon on ANZAC day. I don’t need to say anything more on the topic, however, I’ll just point you to the wonderful piece by Robert Walls in Friday’s Age last week.

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Fucking Collingwood, eh. They played North Melbourne on Friday night. It was a North home game, so the Pies unveiled their “away” strip. Instead of white on black, it was black on white, or maybe the other way around, it doesn’t really matter.

Yet again, because fucking Collingwood have got the muscle, or more likely because the AFL has none, they get to play in their regular Guernsey, and their opponent has to jury-rig a non-clashing strip.

So North run out onto their HOME GROUND looking like Argentina, while stinkingfuckingbastardarsebollockbummonkey Collingwood run around in their hallowed black and white as always, keeping their sponsors and their members happy at the expense of all other comers.

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St Kilda are unbeaten, six rounds in. If this is not just the maturing of young bodies, or the new coach’s game plan finally being understood and adhered to, then what is it? It was touched on in the Sunday Age sport section this weekend, and I’m afraid I have to agree.

Robert Harvey is a legend of the game, and he carried the Saints through the wilderness for years. But, sad as it was, his departure has been nothing but good for the club – no longer is he there to run that extra yard or shrug that tackle or burrow just that little bit further into the pack. Now all the youngsters have to stand up and do it for themselves.

It’s a credit to him, and to them, that they finally are. St Kilda to beat Geelong in the Grand Final.

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Speaking of tips, I hope you’ve all been clicking the “Footy Tips” button on the top of our Home Page. In three weeks, which would be twenty-four games, I think I’ve picked ten winners. I may be wrong most of the time, but I’m wrong with conviction, dammit.

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