If this is a crutch, mine is broken.

Okay, I agree that that picture floating aroud the internet of George Dubya and chimpanzees pulling EXACTLY the same faces IS incredibly persuasive evidence for evolution; however, it's just not quite enough for me.

My entire life, I have struggled with the Big Bang / evolution issue - it's just a bit......well, frankly....it's a little hard to swallow. I am not saying that creation isn't hard to believe either.... I'm just saying that when I look at incredible birds and fish and plants and insects that look as though they have literally been hand-painted, and then I look at elephants and ostriches, and polar bears and beetles, and hippos and those hilarious frill-necked lizards that get up and run around on their back legs, and dugongs, and Circe de Soleil performers and Liv Tyler.....evolution never quite added up.

Let’s not beat around the bush here; I was a staunch, card-carrying, run-it-up-the-flagpole-and-I’ll-salute-it, dyed-in-the-wool sceptic and anti-established-religion atheist through and through.

If I had died and donated my body to science, they could have frozen me and then sliced me into micro-thin cross-sections (like that American serial killer) and seen that it did, indeed, go ALL the way through.

I had been raised in a lapsed Catholic home and sent to a Catholic school by my parents - who studiously avoided setting foot in church but called themselves Christians nonetheless. My upbringing gave me absolutely no insight into faith and my schooling provided me with a frightening glimpse into what appeared to be lifeless, boring, ritual-driven nonsense that had no relevance to my life.

Then, at the age of 20, I had what most people would call a radical conversion.

By then, I had seen the underside of many tables, experienced some of the best and worst that mankind can inflict on itself and others and tried to voluntarily exit what I believed to be a pointless existence.

I won’t bore you with the details but, at that point, God very succinctly knocked on my door and said, “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I kind of have a lot on and I’ve been waiting here for the last 20 years to see you – got a minute?”

Needless to say, I was completely appalled, thinking things like “That’s funny – I don’t remember falling and hitting my head, but I have clearly incurred some sort of brain injury!”

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, I knew without a shadow of a doubt (and like a knife through the heart) that this wasn’t a delusion or hallucination – it was actually God; the Man Upstairs, The Big Guy, etc.

It also dawned on me that it was incredibly inconvenient and terribly uncool for an atheist to hear from God…!

In addition to having been an atheist, I would also describe myself as an academically-minded, intellectually strident, word-nerd and utter commitment-phobe who finds it very hard to stick at anything. Having said that, I have managed to get a university degree (it took twice as long as normal people), raised one of the most fabulous children on the face of the earth to almost-adulthood and held to this faith for just a little over 17 years. No mean feat, let me tell you.

For just over one and a half decades, I have been Christian. I haven’t had my brain removed, joined a cult, or had my sense of humour surgically excised. In fact, some of the weirdest, funniest and most damaged people I know are Christians! We are not leaping about spouting scripture in Old English or bashing people over the head with tales of fire and brimstone.

Like a huge number of people of my faith, I am wildly embarrassed by tele-evangelists and nut-bags who get into the media by saying shocking things like “God killed Heath Ledger because he portrayed a gay man in a film”. Where do these lunatics come from and why do people keep giving them a microphone?!?!?! There are crazies in EVERY large organization – why would the Church be any different…but do you HAVE to interview the crazies ALL THE TIME?

I am lucky enough to be part of a church whose (female) Senior Pastor has always encouraged everyone to avoid taking anything at face value. We are always being taught to debate, wrestle, question and thrash out our faith, its tenets, texts and traditions. We are told (and taught how) to learn for ourselves about the historical, political and social background, context and language of the Bible we use, to better understand and apply the real messages and lessons of God to our lives. We are advised to NOT take things out of context and to always try to get to the heart of what was being said.

One of the weirdest things I had to deal with in this church (ie; contemporary protestant) was the liveliness of the congregation members. These people get pretty excited about the music, the sermons and even each other – freaky, huh? I know what you’re thinking because I had to challenge my own prejudices on this one. Why is it perfectly acceptable to cheer, clap and get enthusiastic and encouraging about ANY sport or rock band (no matter how much they suck), but not about the faith you base and structure your whole life around? Hhhmmmmmm…tricky…

These days, I meet more and more people who know zilch about most faiths. I understand that people are often wary about forcing a religion on their children, but it occurs to me that, in our effort to avoid ‘oppressing’ them, we have done them a major disservice by rendering them completely ignorant of a significant body of knowledge and the chance to make an informed choice for themselves. By all means, BE an atheist, sceptic, or adherent of any other religion…but find out for yourselves what you’re turning down first. I believe in heaven and I believe in hell.

Despite what many of my agnostic or atheistic friends think, I don’t believe hell is party central, where all the fun people will be. I tend to think of it more in terms of being trapped in perpetual hopelessness, separated from everything and everyone…like eternal solitary confinement with no hope of release. Like chronic, soul-destroying depression.

During the time I was an atheist (and since I became a Christian), I heard a lot of the arguments against Christianity: it’s a crutch, it’s for people who can’t manage their own lives, it’s for people with no imagination, churches are full of hypocrites, Christians are so narrow-minded they can look through a key-hole with both eyes (one of my husband’s favourites), etc… I have to say that the last 17 years have been some of the hardest and most rewarding of all my 37 years. I hold myself to a high ideal of action and thought, to a strict moral code, to walk the walk and talk the talk, without cutting corners and without becoming more concerned with my outside than my inside.

If this is a crutch, mine is broken!!!

It can be a really tough road, often made tougher by people who like to Christian-bash without ever having taken the time to find out about the faith for themselves. However, it is also a life full of amazing and unexplainable experiences; of whispered encouragement and unexpected grace; of blessings and miracles, great and small.

In this time I have also found that the biggest problem with Churches is this: they are full of people.

I mean, really, have you MET many human beings?! We can be grubby, whining, lazy, procrastinating slobs. Mind you, we can also astound each other with acts of incredible courage, kindness and compassion. I am not saying that Christians have the corner on either market; I am simply saying that if you come across someone you think MAY actually be a Christian – one who genuinely tries to walks the walk – don’t just slap them down. Take a moment to consider that there may be a striking, immutable reason they hold to that faith. Respect their persistence, their tenacity and their compassion in the face of almost insurmountable opposition.

Now, I don’t know if the world was REALLY created in six or seven actual 24-hour days, if Adam had a belly-button (who cares?!) and exactly how old the world is. I also can’t really accept why evolution is considered the ONLY believable option, when crocodiles have supposedly stayed exactly the same for 60 million years but people evolved from ocean-dwelling creatures, into monkeys and then humans… but we still have monkeys (okay – I’ll be honest; I ALWAYS had a problem with that one, even as an atheist)… and how do you get a giraffe AND a sparrow, a snail AND a lion, the Monty Python team AND Brendan Nelson all from the same random splitting of cells….sorry – don’t get me started. Physicists and many other scientists the world over often declare that, for all their research, they know that there is something or someone greater who is keeping this load of plates spinning, because our world is chaos in a can and natural order can be a contradiction in terms.

I know how difficult it can be to believe in God...I lived there for years. Now I have no other option, as I "found Him behind the couch", etc... However, having said that, I do still spend an inordinate amount of time arguing with God, my lovely husband and other Christians about a whole range of things to do with faith and God and Aardvarks, etc.....(ok – I made that bit up about the Aardvarks).

I do believe that everyone needs to seriously talk to God and try to hear what He has to say to them – it’s meant to be a one-on-one relationship. No hype. No frills. No bells and smells. My husband has a theory that God is always waiting for us, at the Great Coffee Table of Life. We just have to take the time and make the space in our busy lives to come in, sit down and build the relationship – it goes both ways.

I am secure in the knowledge that this is not the last time I am going to have to have this conversation. People will continue to come at me off the top rope in true World Wrestling Federation style next time the topic of faith comes up. I just want you to know I’m ready for you - I'll be the one wearing the garish leotard with flames on it and the leather headpiece...

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