True Love in a Fairytale

Once upon a time there was a splendiferous young man named Prince Charming Andrew (“Charming” for short) and a fair Princess (okay, okay…allow me a little poetic license… “bitter, disillusioned divorcee” just doesn’t seem to have the same romantic ring to it!!!) named Princess Buttercup.

No…that’s not right…sorry, that should read The Fair Miranda.

As fate would have it, Prince Charming and the Fair Miranda met at a festival, where the young, single and pretty, and the desperate, old, broken-down and has-been musicians came together to frolic and make merry, whilst being instructed in the art of dragging an audience, kicking and screaming, into an appreciation of bad musical theatre.

Charming’s gaze fell upon the Fair Miranda, and he thought to himself, “Look, there is a fair young maiden”. The Fair Miranda looked upon Charming’s countenance and thought, “A good-looking, well dressed, talented and, perhaps, charming man - he’s obviously lost.” Whereupon she up and fled the room, leaving Charming to ponder the strength of his aftershave and the dangers of being a yuppie in boganville.

After considering his options (cute female bass player…the Fair Miranda…cute female bass player…the Fair Miranda), Prince Charming tossed a coin and decided to go for the cute female bass player. However, when he tried to strike up a conversation with her she said, “Listen, you good-looking, well-dressed, talented and obviously charming individual, you’re clearly in the wrong place…the frenetic, frolicking festival and fabulous feast is only for the young, single and pretty, and the desperate, old, broken-down and has-been musicians…please go away”.

This left Charming with only one option – he would have to attempt to corner and capture the elusive, rare-spotted Miranda (a nocturnal creature that feeds mostly on chocolate and fruit and can be lured from its burrow with strategically placed junk mail).

However, when he managed to locate and approach her in the lunch line, she said, “Listen, you spectacular-buttocked, good-looking, well-dressed, talented and obviously charming individual, I’m a vicious and bitter divorcee with eighteen children and close family members that each have thirteen fingers and play a mean banjo. You’re clearly in the wrong place. Please go away.”

Somewhat taken aback at this turn of events, our Country-Road-clad, Vitara-driving hero resolved to meet the challenge head-on, and sneak up on the savage, pointy-toothed Miranda with only his guitar for protection. He had heard that music soothed the savage beast and he thought “Well, if that doesn’t work, I can just hit her on the head with it and run away.”

Not to be outdone, our heroine broke forth with a sweet and tempting tune to capture the heart of our hero, proving that she was not quite the shrew she aspired to be. However, despite this momentary encouragement, his attempts were thwarted again when he offered her his personal protection as she ventured forth for a stroll in the dragon-infested, troll-dwelling forests of Portsea. “No, go away…my mother told me not to go anywhere with strangers and you’re definitely stranger than most…you’re obviously in the wrong place…leave me alone…yuppie.” And with a flourish of her floppy jumper, she left the startled, speechless Prince Charming to extract his foot from his lower digestive tract.

Although things seemed hopeless, there is always the possibility that things can get worse…

Upon deciding that she was actually quite taken with Charming, the Fair Miranda decided that the best defence was offence…and resolved to be as offensive as possible at every available opportunity. That way he’d be sure to know that she really liked him (‘cause we all know that’s what girls do when they have a crush on a good-looking, well-dressed, talented and obviously charming individual). Sadly, Charming was a bit slow and thought that he simply had the wrong aftershave / clothing / car / personality / job / underwear for this situation.

Bright and early the next day, our adventurers set off on their return journeys to their respective kingdoms. As our hero was preparing to ascend his trusty steed, Vitara, the Fair Miranda actually smiled, grasped him in a loving (yet entirely appropriate) embrace and set a gentle kiss upon his soft cheek. Charming was speechless…could it be that his orange blanket wrap / home address / singing / mafia connections had not put her off after all??? Unfortunately, while he was busy being speechless, she and her trusty steed, Centura, rode off into the sunset…well, sort of…I suppose it was more like a mid-afternoon glare.

Not one to miss a valuable opportunity, Prince Charming resolved to give chase, overtake the Fair Miranda and her trusty speed, Centura, and play the “Whoops, my horse just ran out of gas” game. Sadly, Miranda sailed on past, not giving a toss and Prince Charming and the horse died of starvation, neglect and a broken heart…..

What??? How do you know that’s not how the story ends??? Who died and made you Mr. Smarty-Pants-Author-of-a-Fabulous-Story???

Alright…the soft-hearted Fair Miranda, never one to abandon an animal in distress (I meant the horse), returned to assist Charming and Vitara. “What are you doing, you idiot?” inquired the Lady.

“I just stopped to admire my kingdom from afar – it’s all about perspective”, replied our daring lad. “I come here all the time to seek rest and solitude”, he continued. Resisting the urge to spontaneously combust with laughter at such a ludicrous comment (for his kingdom lay far across the bay), the Fair Miranda allowed Prince Charming even more time and room to do and say ridiculous things, further cementing her affections.

After our Prince Charming had made an adequate goon out of himself, the maiden proposed…coffee.

During their beverage break, the Prince indicated to Miranda that he would be addressing his villagers in the coming weeks and invited her to attend. She thought that if he was half as entertaining on stage as he was one-on-one, she’d be there with bells on.

Sadly, circumstances beyond her control prevented her from attending…her cousin came in from out of town, there was a plague, a terrible flood, her horse ran out of gas, her girdle didn’t come back from the cleaners, her lemming threw itself off the roof of the castle and her Aunt exploded.

What a catastrophe!!! Would our two star crossed lovers ever see each other again???

Luckily, our hero again took up the challenge and tracked down the Fair Miranda…who, when spoken to later, said “Andrew WHO???”

Eventually, despite her nefarious intentions, Prince Charming Andrew wooed and courted the maiden…and eventually proposed….marriage!!! To which the Fair Miranda breathlessly replied “Ummmm…oh…ergh…uh… yeah….okay…I guess”.

Happily, they tied the knot and lived, safely institutionalized, ever after.