Late one night in the Turret of International Relationships in Elwood, the West Wing is on.

On screen, several ladies and gentlemen in power suits strut along corridors importantly, rambling incoherently about the impending fictional re-election of the president.

Me (excitedly): ‘A seal? The president has a seal?’

Boyfriend (sighing): ‘Not like, seal, the mammal. It’s like a badge. It’s not a seal. It’s not’.

Me (upset): ‘Oh. Nevermind’.

5 minutes of silence and more important corridor strutting.

Me: ‘Would have been much more fun if he had a seal. In the White House! A seal!’ (working myself up to giggling and finger-pointing excitedness at hilarious, humour-gifted self)

BF gives me dirty looks and turns up TV volume.

Someone is shooting at the White House. Shortly after, someone screams about nukes and impoverished housewives in Arizona.

Me: ‘Can you pause it please I didn’t get any of that please?’

BF (angrily): ‘Maybe you should watch and listen rather than talk about seals’.

Me (juggling with wine glass and remote control): ‘What are you saying? Are you saying I moved all this way to live in your country so you can tell me off for not understanding this programme? You are making me watch TV shows in American English about politics and you think I should learn to watch and listen properly? You think that’s what the issue is? (get up from couch and throw cushions around room in hysterical fashion). Maybe the problem is that I don’t understand what they are talking about because they talk in English and I AM GERMAN and I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE SAYING (a cushion hits the gas heater and explodes) and you oughtopausetheDVDandexplainitrightnowordoyou (boyfriend throws himself into the flames and puts out the fire) wantothavethisdiscussioinGerman (boyfriend has relaxing bubble bath to cleanse self of soot and ashes) whichyoustilldon’t (boyfriend fills in tax return) speakafteralltheseyearstogether…

BF: (emerges from behind couch with full body protective gear) ‘Sorry honey…erm… I’m trying to learn German… erm… they were talking about the re-election and how the congress…’

Me: ‘Well I don’t care anymore now.’

BF: ‘But it’s important because congress … blabla… senate… (I lie down on the couch and begin mentally booking holiday to Spain, writing shopping list for tomorrow and drafting several emails to family members) if only it was all real… Kevin Rudd is awesome… house representative blabla’

Me: ‘Three two one, I’m back in the room. Yes. Interesting. Mmmmh. A seal… I wish he had a seal…’

BF: ‘Is it ok to play the DVD again now?’

Me: ‘Njeahhrokay’

West Wing plays again. Several important people strut around corridors and talk about senate, re-election, seals and other marine mammals.

Me: ‘Can you pause it for a bit please?’

BF: AAAAARGHpfffffaaaaaarghAAA AAAAAAAAARGH

Me: ‘I didn’t catch that. Anyway. What are they talking about? I don’t understand what they’re talking about. What’s a film buster?’

BF (exhaustedly): ‘A filibuster. I don’t actually know.’

Me: ‘Look it up on Wikipedia!’

BF: ‘Now???? I want to watch the $^$# DVD!!!’

Me: ‘Oh really? Oh REALLY? Well I’d rather be at home in Germany eating sausages guess what I can’t because I am here because of YOU and now you are refusing to aide my English learning processes by refusing to look up words are you kidding me …rant…. blather… rant…’

BF hits play on DVD. Important people in power suits strut around corridors talking about the re-election. Occasionally a hot chick bends over and picks up some files.

Me: ‘But it would have been funny if he had a seal. In the oval office.’

BF: ‘Yes dear.’

Me: ‘Just like the time when I said your ex-girlfriend wore a beautiful veal at her wedding.’

BF: ‘Yes dear.’

Me: ‘Should I be quiet now?’

BF: ‘Yes dear’.

As the sun comes up over Elwood, important people still strut around in power suits, run down corridors and talk about senates, elections and seals.

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