I was sitting outside a bar today, enjoying a quiet beer, and I got to watch a couple of junkies having a domestic. Eventually the bloke spat on his girlfriend and walked away, so she rang the police and told them to get fucked.

This made me realise I hate things. Lots of things. I also hate lots of ideas, and concepts, but I mostly hate things. Objects. Items. People. They get in your way at the shop, and they talk to you at the pub when you’re trying to do the crossword, and they fall off the bench for no reason and cut your foot.

There’s so much to hate that sometimes I have to write myself a To Hate list for the week, so I don’t get distracted by things I merely dislike, or that come out of nowhere and cause me a mild irritation (these go in the To Put In A Cardboard Box And Bury For Possible Subsequent Elevation To Hating list). This week, my list only has one entry: Steves.

Let’s face it there are plenty of Steves you can hate, and with bloody good reason:

Conroy, because he was on Q&A that time and just laughed like a hyena the whole way through and I’ve been on the internet for years and I’ve never seen any child porn you fuckwit, I don’t know how you search, but I just type in “Lady GaGa”, not “Lady GaGa nymphette lolita underage loves (etc etc)”.

Fielding because, well, I mean faaark, look at his website. And everything he has ever said or done. If that little turd brings out another giant graph I’m going to vomit, I bet he likes Guy Sebastian too.

Hawking, because he wrote that book that about twenty million people bought and about twelve were able to finish, and nobody had the guts to say “I don’t care if you talk like a dalek, your book made no sense and you left your wife for your nurse you dirty prick.”

Vai, because he had that stupid heart-shaped double-necked guitar when he was playing with David Lee Roth (now THERE’s a fucking genius).

St Stephen, well, I’m not sure he even existed, and all he did was gob off a bit then get stoned to death, and I mean there are women in some countries who cop worse than that for doing a lot less, and he hasn’t exactly jumped out of the heavens to save them, has he?

I am renaming all of the following people Steve:

Guy Sebastian. Tony Abbott. Kevin Rudd. John Brumby. Bronwyn Bishop. Michael Bolton. Andrew Bolt. Catherine Deveny. Kyle Sandilands. That guy on the train station yesterday. The Herald Sun. Gary Ablett

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