‘If’ was written over 100 years ago, and our ideal of a man has changed. Empathy, compassion and the ability to change nappies didn’t feature highly in Kipling’s masculine world. I wonder what ‘If’ would be if it were written today?

Would Kipling tell our men to cry without shame, laugh without malevolence, defend without violence and speak without pretence? Would honour of self still matter more than honour of others? And, whatever it is that we want them to be, how do we teach our boys to be men? How old should they be before we expect manliness?

In some ways it’s a little easier with women, there is a defining moment when your body forces a change upon you that you have to keep up with. The onset of menarche (womynarche? Pah!) is a clear transition point, but boys don’t have an equivalent. Unless we want to start a father-son celebration of the first wet dream, and really I can’t see that one catching on.

In times gone by it was simpler, it came with the beginnings of apprenticeship to a trade, military training or land management. Now, most of our boys don’t finish their education until they are in their early 20s; but surely we think of them as men by then?

My son will be 13 this year; he is starting high school and beginning to battle with the onset of puberty. He’s already figured out that the whole thing is going to get difficult and icky, he tells me he would rather just dispense with the whole growing up thing and continue an uncomplicated existence with his computer games and no responsibilities. I can sympathise, but there’s not much either of us can do against the relentless onward march of time.

He’ll take what he learns from his family, his friends, his school and his playstation into the world and what he does with it all is increasingly out of my control. Luckily, despite all those influences, he seems to be turning into a remarkably sensible person. I’m not too worried.

But what should I do to help my son see the manhood that’s ahead as something that starts now? Do I send him out with al the trustworthy men I know, for a night of tall stories and male bonding? Should it be a private thing with just him and his father? Being only his mother, should I just butt out and leave the mans to sort it out for themselves?

Or should I just tell him that “If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run, yours is the earth and everything that’s in it, and – what’s more – you’ll be a man, my son” and let him work the rest out for himself? The only reaction I think I’d get to that is another roll of the eyes and more clickety clickety on the keyboard.

Any suggestions are welcome, but let’s try to keep it reasonably clean – he’s been known to read this website to find out what I’m up to when he’s not around to keep an eye on me.

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Comments (1)

• |202.137.76.xxx |2010-01-11 01:47:09 Tini
  

  This is brilliant - it could explain why many 50 year old men still behave like boys - the don't have the men-arche to inform them they're no longer 12! I wouldn't worry about it - the worst thing is symbolizing his impending manhood with awful stereotypes - giving him a gun, some porn and some bullcrap talk about being a 'man'. I think let him figure it out on his own, he seems pretty clued up to me!
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