Fev is no stranger to fuck ups involving alcohol, let’s face it. That thing in Ireland, that thing in Prahran, that thing with the dildo, that thing the other night at the Brownlow. Gee whiz, a big fit young man who’s a star in a rampantly male industry, at one of the blokier clubs in the competition has a tendency to act like a dick when full of gas. Who woulda thunk it?  

His club fines him, which is kind of appropriate when you consider that they have sponsors who pay money to attach their logo to the CFC. He’s publicly criticised by Demetriou, which is also kind of appropriate when you consider the AFL’s need for the right image for its sponsors.

And Channel Nine cut his segment. Hang on a second, The What You Say? They gave him a microphone, and set him loose, unsupervised, amongst his mates, the media, barely-dressed WAGs, and unlimited free piss, and are now washing their hands of him, cutting his segment on tonight’s Grand Final Footy Show. He’s copping so much shit that his head, with “YOU NEED HELP” completely covers the front page of the Little Paper this morning.

Poor Brendan really does need help. He needs help in learning what he can get away with, and I have some suggestions.

He needs to age about thirty years, but keep dating twenty year olds. He needs to have a couple of appalling facelifts, so he looks like a surprised but slightly less orange George Hamilton without the class. He needs to be blatantly misogynistic and offensive toward women, for example by groping a cardboard cutout of a respected female journalist, not just make dopey “ooer” comments at WAGs. He needs to have embarrassing domestic incidents in public.

He needs to build a ridiculous house with Pamela Anderson on the wall. He needs to dress up in blackface on national television, and call it satire. Oh, and he needs to call a dark-skinned Malaysian man a monkey and, rather than leave the term “monkey” as a generic for stupid, he needs to say something about “straight out of the forest, that bloke”. Then, just to make it clear that he’s a comic genius, he needs to reinforce the monkey point by referring to Serena Williams.

Then Channel Nine will back him to the hilt, and pay him a million bucks a year.

 

 

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