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3:47am: Sit bolt upright in bed groping around for bellows. Stare around darkened bedroom trying to work out why am not using bellows to inflate the bean bag that Hilary Clinton was angrily demanding that I fix for her before the roaring lemurs attack.

3:49: Lie back down and worry slightly about subconscious self. Listen to roaring noise of husband snoring.

4:03: Nudge husband gently. Listen to husband grunt and resume stentorian snoring.

4:10: Kick husband viciously on shins. Rub throbbing foot, listen to husband grunt and resume stentorian snoring.

4:15: Decide trip to bathroom might fix things. Slide out of bed and step on whippet curled up on top of dressing gown. Wrestle dressing gown out from under whippet, step on whippet again and stagger out to hallway. Step on other whippet lying across hallway. Turn on hallway light and glare balefully at whippets, whippets look reproachfully back at self and follow self to bathroom. Try not to feel self-conscious as whippets sit and interestedly watch self on toilet.

4:18: Return to bed and pummel snoring husband. Husband turns face into pillow, muffled voice says “Touch me again dickhead and I’ll ram that fucking pen up your arse”.

4:19: Sigh, lie down and worry about possibility of war with Indonesia and current tightness of previously comfortable jeans.

6:43: Finally drift off to sleep

6:45: Alarm goes off

6:46 – 7:49: Sleep heavily through loudly squawking alarm

7:50: Leap out of bed, wrestle dressing gown out from under sleeping whippet, drag protesting children from respective beds, shout loudly at husband about snoring, Hilary Clinton, not waking self up and keeping self awake all night. Start looking for shoes, school uniforms, lunch boxes and lunch.

8:11: Can’t find daughter’s left school shoe. Shout loudly about absence of shoes and general shambolic state of life.

8:23: Locate shoe in bottom shelf of pantry (!!) attach shoe to sulky daughter, dispatch whippets to back yard, ignore wounded looks and anxious whippet faces pressed against back window.

8:28: Herd everyone into car and leave.

8:33: Return to collect son’s schoolbag.

8:39: Return to collect client files that self was supposed to be working on last night.

8:43: Return to collect son’s lunch.

8:51: Refuse to return to collect special scarf that daughter insists will die without having at school that day.

9:03: Return to feed anxious whippets. Daughter scours house for scarf-without-which-I-will-die.

9:04: Tearful shouting match with daughter about likelihood of scarflessness-induced death. Son locates scarf-without-which-I-will-die in dog basket and demands $20 finders fee from daughter.

9:07: In car, refusing to participate in increasingly hysterical back seat argument about ownership of scarf-without-which-I-will-die.

9:14: Wrestle scarf-without-which-I-will-die from son, present to daughter and deposit at school gate.

9:15: Continue on to son’s school, have solemn discussion with son about being kinder to daughter. Son waits patiently then has solemn discussion with self about new-graphics-card-without-which-I-will-die.

9:27: Deposit son at school gate

9:28: Phone call from daughter’s school demanding explanation for daughter’s absence. Explain humbly that daughter is not absent, just late. Apologise profusely for same. Accept disapproving sniff as due.

9:29: Phone call from ex-husband demanding explanation for son’s absence from school. Explain irritably that son is not absent, just late. Sniff disapprovingly at ex-husband’s indignation at same.

9:31: Decide virtuously not to purchase muffin-without-which-I-will-die and watch in amazement as car, of own volition, screeches to stop outside yummy muffin shop.

9:42: Arrive at work clutching vat of coffee, muffin-without-which-I-will-die and client files taken home to work on last night. Airily ignore disapproving sniffs from various colleagues and anxious questions from Bossman about state of work on client files.

9:45: Plonk self at desk. Check Facebook and Twitter. Post amusing updates. Giggle at hilariousness of self. Click on interesting-looking link from Twitter, find self on The Age website, unable to read article because of pop-up ad that will not close. Fire off yet another enraged email to The Age.

10:22: Have sudden brilliant idea for Tribune article about asylum seekers. Open 15 google windows and start writing article. Murmur reassuringly in response to Bossman’s worried queries about work on client files.

12:45: Realise that asylum seeker article is shite and delete everything. Sit for a while, restlessly kicking desk legs.

12:53: Start working furiously on client files.

1:00: Oooh. Lunchtime.

2:15: Work furiously on client files

2:37: Oooh, personal emails. Read, and craft witty response. Giggle at hilariousness of self.

3:01: Work furiously on client files

3:14: Pack up client files to work on at home and depart to collect offspring from school.

3:32: Arrive at son’s school. Wait impatiently for son to appear.

3:41: Phone call from son to inform self that he has decided to go to friend’s house for the afternoon.

3:52: Collect daughter from school, notice absence of scarf-without-which-I-will die, enquire politely about same. Daughter rolls eyes and mutters something about how self needs to relax as is only a dumb old scarf and loss of such not something to get all worked up about, and by the way why is self always late to everything.

4:03: Arrive home and have internal debate about appropriateness of opening wine bottle this early.

4:04: Lose debate and sulkily take whippets for a walk instead. Realise after 4 blocks that forgot to bring plastic bags and attempt to pretend to not notice 5 times (each) that whippets stop to deposit several tonnes of shit on nature strip. Have mutual fuck off conversation with passers-by about same.

4:40: Arrive home and win debate with self about appropriateness of opening wine bottle this early. Pour yummy wine and call mother to discuss current shambolic state of life.

6:15: Delightedly greet husband’s arrival and scoff at complaints about lack of wine in bottle.

7:20: Conclude conversation with mother and then ring local Indian to request delivery of delicious dinner. Have long conversation with polite Indian man about contents of same. Husband eventually wrestles phone from self, has short, apologetic conversation with polite Indian man about dinner.

7:45: Feed offspring and dispatch to bed.

8:50: Have long conversation with husband about improving current shambolic state of life. Discuss value of preparing for each day the night before. Make solemn promises about being tidy and organised in the future.

9:47: Open second bottle. Solve problems of world.

12:52: Step on sleeping whippet, drop dressing gown on top of same. Fall into bed, full of wine and good intentions.

3:47: Sit bolt upright in bed, shaking fist at lemur in bowler hat lecturing self about callous participation in collapse of the Mexican economy.

3:48: Sigh, lie back down, listen to husband snoring and worry about self’s ignorance of current state of Mexican economy and lack of work on client files.

6:43: Drift off to sleep again.

 

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